New Blog

Oh BlogSpot, you've been good to me, but I'm willing and ready to try a new spot for a brand spankin new year.
Feel free to follow me at the following address and let me know which site you prefer! You won't hurt my feelings...

https://gentlegraceblog.wordpress.com/

hustle season

I finally got a new keyboard so I can actually type, a new slim hp keyboard since my computer works just fine.
I am tired.  It's been a long time since I wrote and a million things have been going on in my life.  There are so many things I'd love to write about such as my visit to the reservation, loving and letting go, being a healer and healing, friendships, and so forth, but I don't have it in me tonight.
This is my hustle season.  I'm hustling in every way imaginable.  Just finished up my second job which was seasonal, and I'm currently picking up all kinds of extra shifts at my full time job with the incentive of extra hourly holiday pay and double time on holidays. 
This past year has been a very unstable one for me financially, so when I landed a stable job in October, I count my blessings and I work as much as I can.
It feels good to be working so hard.
I wonder if I should begin a new blog for 2016?

Bad dreams, New job, Goals

Bad dreams:

I have heard you aren't suppose to share your dreams with people, but I can't shake the awful dream I had last night from my head.  I fell asleep listening to the radio, and I had it on Christian radio- KLove.  They were doing fundraising last night, which seemed to correlate with my nightmare.  I had signed up to give money to various people (charities) I cared about, all of which were 100.00 each, and I did not have the money to follow through with my promise.  It was awful! This is part of the reason Dave Ramsey has sold me on the debt free lifestyle.  I want to be able to GIVE more.

 

New job:

I woke up from the dream, shuffled off to my third day training.  I walk to work, and I was freezing in Arizona's cold front- 80 degrees.  It doesn't seem like a big deal but when your body has been adept to 100, it honestly feels like a blizzard.  Right now I'm wrapped in five blankets.  No joke.  I can't seem to get warm, and I froze all day at work- sneezing and freezing.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  Anyway, my trainer told me I am the most professional and accurate, but "your voice sounds so sad."  I confess I'd rather sound sad than perky, but sounding sad isn't a great thing either.  I was concentrating hard and nervous being judged in front of everyone, but it led me to all kinds of self reflection tonight which only seemed to make me feel even more sad.  I'm not going to even go into it!


Goals:

I feel like I have such a long haul in my debt free journey and listening to people so much younger and smarter than me pisses me off! Why didn't this come to me earlier? I think I've always cared about it, but I didn't understand budgeting, didn't always have steady work, and most of all- didn't always have steady work.... Having steady work is so important and it's not the easiest thing to find.  If not for my temp agencies, I'd probably still be adding to my list of failed attempts at employers.  Anyway, I'm setting a small goal for myself.  I have 1,000 to pay off on my South Carolina Student loan and 15,500 to pay on the combined rest.  My goal is to have my SCSL paid off by January 1, 2016 and to have my loan payment below 15,000.  I have an extra dog sitting gig at Thanksgiving and may be able to work at Hickory Farms through the Christmas season if I can work it out with my current job- even just one day a week.  It doesn't feel like much, but we all have to start somewhere, and I'm trying very hard to be responsible and take care of this at last!

 

 

I also realize that it's easy to think about giving as money and gifts, but giving is also time and service and attention.  I walk by the Gospel Rescue Mission for Women and Children every day, and I even applied to work there awhile back.  I once volunteered at the one in Kansas City and every time I pass by the one on my way to work and less than 10 minutes away from me, my heart feels a tug.  I'm going to see what my work schedule is for the holidays, but I want to start getting involved with being a volunteer there.  They are hosting various banquets over the holidays and are looking for volunteers to continue.  I am excited to check this out and meet more people.  Other goals: utilize my library more, learn how to cook depression style (From my youtube queen GREAT DEPRESSION COOKING!), read more, bicycle more and try more recipes.  These are my goals! Simple and sweet, three months to attain!

FYI!

I did start school later than average.  I started community college at age 25 and that would be the rest of my SCSL.  My other student loan is a combination of living expenses and books from my time at Berea College, a tuition free school.  Some of the living expenses were my apartment, food, books, a car and bicycle.  I ignored my loans for a couple of years (so responsible!) and then I deferred them due to unemployment, etc., and I've been paying on it the last couple years at a little over the minimum.  I will continue to pay the minimum now until I knock off SCSL. 
Financial goals are good, right?

Recipes!

Hello! I've been browsing new recipes/old cookbooks and have marked (in my mind) a few I want to try.  I thought I'd share them with you while also keeping myself accountable to try them sooner than later. 

Peanut Butter and Banana Quesadillas
Turkey Black Bean Chili (I make this a lot) but with Jalapeno Cheddar Corn Muffins
Poor Man's Feast (From Great Depression Cooking)
Cold Oats
Better Fried Eggs
Missouri Dirt Cake
and... I'm always in the mood to try a new cookie...
I'll keep you all posted.  :)

Thanks for reading!

Happy, happy October!

I am so thankful for bus drivers with BIG hearts. 
Last night I worked my last night at PBR, which was good money and totally exciting to experience, and I got a little lost walking back to the bus stop.  I finally made it there and sat down to wait for the bus to take me home.  I kept seeing "not in service" buses go by and started to wonder what was going on. 
It was Saturday night, and finally my bus 16 showed up and the lady asked me, "Are you waiting for bus 16?" Yes, I am.  Well, this is the last bus and it's not running anymore.  I said Okay and started to think about the long walk home in my strappy sandals- never mind the hoodlums along the way.  She looked at me and said, "hey, just get in.  I'll take you home."  I started to put money in and she said, "no, you can't put money in- we're closed."  So, I got a solo bus ride home.  She told me, "I looked at you and thought- this woman doesn't need to be down here."  (FYI: the bus stations in Tucson are extremely sketchy.) I appreciated her kindness.  I had been feeling this heavy joy and lightness thinking about how it's me and God- we're together on this journey, and I'm trusting Him... I have been blessed by angels like this one to help me get home. 

The PBR event was exciting! There is a prayer beforehand, and for the two events I attended, a border patrol man sang the National Anthem.  I love the bulls, people watching, and the music and competition.  I'm very glad that they are making the next generation of cowboys wear masks.  Tradition might pride itself in a simple cowboy hat, but it scares the begeebes out of me!

I am starting a new job Monday.  If you've been following me at all this year, you know that I've had my share of trials with work.  I feel very optimistic about this job, however, and I feel like the tide may actually be turning for me.  PRAISE GOD! It was a professional interview, a pay raise, and I'll even have benefits after the first three months I work with my temp agency.  It is really good health insurance, too- they cover 75 percent.  I like the work environment and people.  It's retro and filled with light and plants.  It's funny how it's the small things that can really make a difference.  I will begin my training this week.

I'm budgeting pretty well.  Last night I blew it and while I was working I bought a 3.50 salted pretzel! I have to remember to pack snacks at all times! Still it's nice to see that I'm getting my debt (all student loans) paid off! I feel focused and determined.  I have less than 1,000 now to pay on my South Carolina Student Loan and 15,500 on the rest.  I can do it! I want to be DEBT FREE.  It's a gratifying feeling to be in control and my biggest thing is- keep the money flowing, find work- whatever it takes! I've saved money by eating lots of leftovers and being creative in the kitchen.  I've utilized my downtown library, reading recent novels by Jennifer Weiner.  I've picked up extra event jobs, and I no longer use public transportation unless absolutely necessary.  I bike everywhere.  I'll be biking to my job as well.  I let my clothes hang dry outside, and I believe in eggs and potatoes. 

Hope you all are ushering in October with much joy and jubilee.  It's a great time of year.  Back in Maine, I can remember the crispness in the air, the changing colors, and the happiness I felt pulling out my fleeces, sweaters and tights.  :) Now in Tucson, I'm happy that it's staying warm- still swimming and not dying from intense heat. 

Mid-week Milestones

Life has been good to me lately.  I've been enjoying a little down time in between jobs.  I've been swimming and biking, cooking and cleaning, and doing some research.
I've even felt a little rest and relaxation!

I have job interviews lined up, one tomorrow with more in progress.  There are three possible jobs that I am pursuing.  My newest temp agent told me, "I get you.  I got you before I even met you.  You're one of those that enjoys experiencing life.  You should have been around in the 70's.  I get it."  She had me figured out through my resume, my email address and phone conversation.  I enjoyed meeting with her, and having temp and staffing agencies have literally saved my life this last year.  Once you prove yourself as a good worker, they will have your back, and I am so indebted. 

I have another event this weekend which I am so totally excited about working! I will be working as a brand ambassador (once again) for PBR! I confess I didn't even know what it stood for until I looked it up, and then I started to feel jazzed! This should be fun! The money is great and the job is easy, AND I get a free pass in to watch the event on Friday and Saturday night whenever I am not needed.  I can't wait.  Bulls are such majestic animals, and I'm baffled at the sport and curious about it too.  I know a lot of other people must feel the same.

I skyped with a friend this past weekend that I haven't seen in five or six years.  This lady is amazing! She and I were pals back in Berea, Kentucky.  We were both non- traditional students and became instant friends.  She is a lovely Chinese lady from Myanmar.  She is intelligent and thoughtful, kind and considerate.  There is so much I love about her.  Anyway, in the last few years she went to an IVY league school in Pennsylvania, got her Masters and worked with Unicef and other agencies.  She was eventually offered a job with an organization in Germany, and she is living in Berlin now.  She's getting married in three months to a German that speaks better Chinese than anyone she knows.  I have to tell you what joy and fun it was to speak with her from my little apartment in Tucson all the way to her apartment in Berlin.  I was waking up with a pot of coffee and disheveled hair and she was going to bed soon in her cozy orange robe sipping a mug of tea.  I saw in her apartment boxes and boxes of books, and I got to hear my friend talk about her life in Berlin, a progressive, free city she loves.  It reminded me how wide and expansive the world is, how much there is out there, and how good it is to travel and take it all in whenever you can. 

Keurig!

Today I worked six hours straight as a brand representative for Keurig- hired out by EventPro.  Yes, I find the strangest and oddest gigs, but the money is (will be- it takes a month or so) very good for standing around offering coffee, scooping ice, and asking people if they'd like to sign up to win a Keurig machine by filling out a survey.  Oh, and cleaning up the messes people make from using the eight different Keurig machines.
For the first two hours I scooped ice while University of Arizona tail gating red shirts walked by- many were tipsy and most were young.  One lady told me, "You're starting to get a sunburn."  Oh well, I thought, at least I'm making some money.  After a couple hours someone in the team offered to switch with me, and it must have been the perfect time.  I was beginning to shake in my feet and hands, and I couldn't concentrate on what anyone was saying to me. 
I told my boss and he let me rest by the ice for a few minutes.  I rested for about ten minutes and was able to work the rest of my shift in the shade.  This helped me a lot. 
People are excited about free Keurig coffee, so we stayed busy the whole time. 
I was the "older" person among the college kids, but I found them to be very nice, pleasant, and helpful.  The lead guy was also very nice and thanked us for our hard work.  He told us that he'd like to keep the same people when he comes back in November- when U of A plays against Utah.  It's easy money, interesting people watching (what are girls wearing today? NOTHING!) and not very hard at all.  I'll just bring more water and sunscreen next time.   I didn't have black shorts or black shoes, but I borrowed one of the girls hair ties for a ponytail at least.  If I had my choice, I would pick the orange Keurig above my head.  I tend to like brewing my own coffee or boiling it for even stronger coffee, but I'll keep that secret to myself. 

Odds and Ends

Bob Goff, ex lawyer, is the New York times best seller of Love Does.  At the end of the book he gave his personal cell phone number, address, and email.
I couldn't resist emailing him, and about a week later, I got an email back from Bob.  I won't go into what I said in the email, but he gave me the encouraging words I needed.  He told me to write down what I'm learning.
He talks about being available, and apparently he practices it as well.
He talks about being "secretly incredible" and already assuming friends and family.
All of the proceeds of his book are going to charity where schools are being built all over the place- Uganda, northern Iraq, Mongolia, and on and on.
He is a very cool guy!

Pope Francis is joy personified.  I don't have television but I've been live streaming whatever I can! I watched the Pope at St. Patricks tonight and my heart leaped and soared as he was introduced, "Welcome Papa Francisco!"
The newscasters referring to him as "cute" are annoying, but I like these nuns having their own tailgating party!

 

 

 

Zac Danneman is one of my favorite people in this whole wide world.  He was my BFF in Kentucky and I got to see him this April as he was passing through Tucson before he left for traveling abroad.  This picture makes me smile...

I am still job hunting, connecting with more staffing agencies, networking with friends, and doing my own research on the side.  I'm thinking maybe I need to just start my own business!
Anyway, it looks like I will be doing a little sales gig at the U of A tailgating party Saturday- selling some fancy coffee which feels right up my alley. :)
I've been booked as a dog sitter for Thanksgiving, and I'm looking up and looking forward as much as I can each day. 
Remember, God never tires of forgiving.  We just get tired of asking.  Yes, I stole that from the Pope.  :)

God bless you!

Michelle Tooley

I took the day to breathe and rest, to regroup and get my feet back on the ground.  I made some calls and worked through some connections and contacts.

I spoke with my temp agent, one of the kindest people I've met since moving to Tucson.  She spoke the words I needed to hear about something better coming along.  Truth be told, I felt very isolated in that office, and I was beginning to feel antsy.  I fear sounding demanding when I speak of the small things that drain me, but I've learned that no windows, no contact with people, and no acknowledgement as a person can be a hard environment for me.  I like to move and to mingle, I like to be challenged and have some meaningful outlets. 

I walked to the cemetery close to my home this afternoon as the clouds hung heavy and drizzles came now and then.  It felt good to take off my flip flops and dig my bare feet into the healthy wet grass.  How lovely to feel the cooler weather, the shade beneath the trees, and the smell of the fresh cut grass.  I love walking through the largest cemetery in Arizona, Evergreen.  Every time I see something bewildering and fascinating.  I studied the tombs of the soldiers from WWI and WWII, young men who lived to be 20 or 22, and I looked at their names and reflected on their sacrifice.  I walked by a gravestone with fresh flowers and a half eaten slice of cake.  Was it his birthday? Was it an anniversary?  I kept seeing the verse about fighting the good fight of faith and finishing the race today, and I stored that in my heart.

A couple months ago I heard of the passing of one of my college professors, Dr. Michelle Tooley.  She wasn't just a professor to me, but she became a neighbor and friend.  She called on me on several occasions to dog sit and house sit for her while she traveled, and I loved staying at her home and walking Toby, sleeping warmly against his fluffy fur in the cold Kentucky winters.  Whenever I would come over to housesit, she would leave behind fresh baked cookies, clean sheets, television, and the washer and dryer to use.  She was so generous to me.  She had never married but had lived a full life in peace and social justice issues.  She was from Texas and never lost her soft soothing accent.  She was tall and cheerful, and she was known as a difficult teacher at Berea.  I took one of her classes and surprised many with an A-.  I loved the class she taught.  I didn't agree with her on everything, but I enjoyed sharing my opinion through the research and writing I did.  She made me uncomfortable and I told her so, but she also made me think and stretch a little too. 

I knew she was accomplished and intelligent, but I loved seeing the other sides of her too-  walks every day with her beloved dog scooping up his poop, not finding papers and failing at any type of organization, trying to lose weight, procrastination ... (I turned in a paper once and it took her months to finally find it under her welcome mat.) She had piles of Outdoor Hiking magazines, stacks of read and unread books, and postcards and bright mementos  from her travels around the world.  She was kind and generous to the her neighbors, church, and community.  She often had the International students to her home for dinner once a week, and she took trips up to J. C. Penny to help them find clothes for presentations, meetings, etc.,  She brought our night class cookies in the evenings.  I always felt she had a soft spot for me, for my raw and abrupt honesty, and I can remember her telling me, "Krista you can do anything."  I think it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me, and I will never forget the spark she gave to my wobbly heart.

A few years ago I was on lunch break at my job in Maine- sitting out in the sun looking across the street.  Out from nowhere I saw Michelle walking down the street with a shopping bag in her arms.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  It felt so surreal like I was back in Kentucky and we were meeting at the street corner again.  I ran over to her and chatted.  I remember she asked if I still had my bicycle- I was a notorious biker in Kentucky, and I told her I still biked some.  She was smiling and healthy and thrilled to be on vacation after extensive work that she was doing in and with Africa.  I'm glad I got to see her once again.  She was so excited about the work and doors that were opening for her and her students. 

My friend Zac tells me that she died in her home with friends singing to her.  It was peaceful and comforting.  She was only 62 when she died, after a two year battle with cancer. Michelle's life challenges me to look carefully at the world, to live imperfect and messy but with a full and open heart, and to make a difference in peoples lives.  Her life continues to inspire, and I know I will never forget her Texas sized heart and smile. 

Postive and Negative Voices

When you're down and life has thrown you more than a few curve balls, it's tempting to roll back into bed and pull the sheets over your head. 
I did today, but I finally got out of my slump early evening time.

One thing I can feel is that when you're at the bottom, you are more fragile and tender.  It's easy to hear the words people speak to you and interpret them as positive or negative.  When days are tough and you have already beaten yourself up, it's hard to hear words which might make you feel more like a failure. 

I remind myself tonight that no one has walked in anyone's shoes but their own, and if you have done right, your character can rest easy.  If you have made mistakes, your character can grow, but you don't necessarily need the pointers in the moment.  Some people don't know you well might not know the full extent of your cries, worries, desperation.  They might not see how critical and hard you can be on yourself or how you strive to give it your best, and a judgment might feel as though you are deserving of failure and loss. 

All I know is I have felt both today- the negative voices and the positive.  The negative ones tell me I did something wrong, I wasn't enough, and the positive ones tell me the job wasn't good for me, didn't suit me, and better things are ahead. 
I want to offer the balm to my friends and neighbors.  I understand the feeling of despair and confusion, self doubt and questions.  Sometimes there are no answers, and sometimes the best we can give to ourselves and each other is compassion and heart.  Let people rest.  Let people heal.  Offer grace...

Rainy Days and Mondays

I woke up this morning as a proud working lady after spending the evening doing all my laundry and packing my lunch.
I geared up my bike with optimism despite the rain because I have a job!

Once I got to work, ten minutes early, I turned on the lights, the radio, the computer, and put away my lunch. 
After about forty minutes, my boss (who has never spoken to me much before) walks in and tells me that she's letting me go... The warranties haven't been scanning clearly or well.  I was surprised and shocked, not the way I expected the day to go at all.  I looked at her and simply asked, "Do you want me to leave now?" Yes she said.  Okay I said.  Tears began to well up in my eyes along with the rain pouring down from heaven and it felt good to cry along with the skies.  Why Lord? Why is it so hard?

The truth is that I hated the job, but I felt I needed the job.  (And I do need a job!) I hated sitting on my ass all day and doing the same damn thing over and over.  But then again, what job is perfect? I could see the advantage of my low profile and simple job.  And at least I had a job...

I had myself a good cry, and then I stopped for a coke and heard the chirping birds.  I saw the clouds covering the tops of the mountains, and I saw the humor in it.  I'm a resilient survivor, to hell with it! Life goes on, and somehow it will be okay, but I have to figure out how to make the most of it.  So I'm back home and strategizing once again how I'm going to find a better job, how I'm going to pay my bills, and how I need to remember once again that God is close and near to me. 

Happy Sunday!

Happy SUNday!

The sun is shining brightly here in TucSUN.  Today has been a restful day of sun, sleep, and serenity. 

I finished reading The Weavers Way, Navajo Profiles, a book on loan to me by one of Le's sisters.  I enjoyed reading it and have so much admiration and respect for the Navajo traditions.  One lady said that she is asked to make certain things, but she feels she can only weave what is in in her heart.  I loved that.  It is such a fascinating tradition.  Le told me that he used to watch his grandmother do the carding and weaving, and she would instruct him which plants to pick to make her dyes.  So fascinating.  From reading the profiles, I sense how sacred and spiritual the tradition of weaving (and sheep ranching!) is to the Navajo way of life.  It is as if the artist is weaving in the sunsets and sunrises of beautiful Arizona.  Le tells me that you would be amazed at the mathematics required as well...
I was given a novel to read by Tony Hillerman from an old co-worker called The Shape Shifter.  I plan to read it next... He's very popular out here.

I went to a house warming party last night and it was absolutely delightful.  It was held outside, Dustin rented out chairs (a dollar a piece!) and tables from Party Central.  It was a large group of around 20 and so much fun to meet and mingle with new people and share in the celebration of my friends first home! We had smoked barbecue, fruit salad, potato salad, potato chips, cole slaw, beer, wine, lemonade, tea.  I struggled a bit to go, to get out and be social, but I forced myself to go knowing that life is for celebration and today is a gift.  It's an emotional time for me, but I'm pushing through knowing that the sun is still shining and there are always many things to be thankful for each day. 

Writing

I find that when my heart is heavy and sad, I can pretty much shut the world down and write.  I think writing is a medicine of sorts for me.  Is it bad that I don't feel like talking to my friends? Listening, yes.  Talking, no.  I want quiet and peace and the free flow of my magical cheap little instrument.  While I was working today, I started thinking about my writing and how I've neglected it lately.  I've gotten lazy with my journal entries and I haven't stretched myself much. 

All day long I had various images of people from my past with questions or comments said to me.  Linked together, I realized I love to write and there have been numerous people that have believed in me as a writer.  I also could see and feel that I have a lot of deeply (and not so hidden) insecurities about my writing. 

I actually have a lot of insecurities.  I think about my grammar and my intelligence.  Is my vocabulary grand enough? Have I read enough to even consider myself a writer? Why can't I dig all the  classics? There are so many great writers out there, so much smarter and better read...
I have insecurities about the things I share.  Even in writing this blog, people could read and interpret things in such different ways.  Because writing is so personal to me, I fear criticism and judgment.  I need to not care at all, but I still care.  I think about my lack of discipline and how others work so much harder at their craft, and the list goes on.

But then I remember myself as a little girl hid in the back of a closet and alone.  I buried myself in a library closet with an old beat up typewriter.  I stretched myself on the floor and typed out my thoughts in letters, poems, stories, and I was happy doing so.  In writing I get back in touch with that girl, an intrinsic part of who I am.  It was a time before jobs and careers, making a living and surviving.  Expression was important to me whether I was pretending to ice skate on green shabby carpet or dance to the music of my record player.  I liked to write because it flowed out of me in a better way than the words I could speak.  Writing allowed me to keep myself free and solid, still tender and feeling and full of dreams. 

My Tips on Frugality!

I've decided to start getting serious about saving money.  Don't think I'm a total idiot, because this is sounding new.  I wanted to before but it was hard to save without steady cash flow.  Now that I have steady cash flow, even though it's low, it's steady and enough to save if I'm smart.  I've started budgeting with Dave Ramsey, and here are some helpful hints of my own!

1.  ONLY DRINK WATER.  It simplifies your life and is a lot healthier.  I even bring a mug to work and tea bags- that's how cheap I am.  Cutting back on coffee, coke, vitamin zero, monsters... heck of a savings.

2.  HANG CLOTHES UP TO DRY.  Savings and it feels nice and old fashioned hanging them out to dry on a clothes line.

3.  RIDE YOUR BICYCLE.  I find that my bicycle trips are even faster than taking the bus!

4.  BE CREATIVE WITH YOUR PANTRY.  We all have items that are hid and need to be brought to the front and center.  Create something interesting with what you have and make it an adventure to use up what is already there before buying more.  (EXTRA HELPFUL HINT: Go to Trader Joe's and stock up on spices.  It will enhance every meal to use and have fun with them.  Example: my turmeric pasta with chicken and slivered fresh Indian corn dish last night!)

5.  LISTEN TO THE RADIO, MUSIC, and NETFLIX (on occasion).  You can cancel anytime, so treat yourself every couple months.  It doesn't have to be monthly.  Better yet, find somebody that you can bum off of if you're lucky!

6.  LOOK FOR EXTRA WORK.

7.  LOOK FOR THINGS TO SELL THAT YOU DON'T USE!

8.  CALL YOUR BILL COMPANIES.  I have learned that if you ask (kindly) for a discount, they will usually give you one especially if you are level headed and kind.  It definitely pays to be nice.

9.   KEEP TRACK MONTHLY OF YOUR BILLS.

10. TREAT YOURSELF WITH THINGS LIKE a walk in the park, a swim after work, a conversation with a friend, a long bath... NOT MATERIAL THINGS!

11.  FINALLY, QUIT THE DAMN, BORING, PRETENTIOUS GYM.  It sucked anyway! Now that you're bicycling to and from work, bicycling around town, and swimming when you get a chance, you're probably losing more weight than when you were going to the gym in a rush and hurry. 

12.  WHEN OUT OF PAPER TOWELS OR TIRED OF USING THEM, use real towels or coffee paper brews.  They are super cheap and work great for cleaning things up.  :) I use them a lot especially now that I'm not drinking coffee to save money!

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.  AVOID TARGET.  AVOID IMPULSES.   MAKE CARDS.  MAKE LISTS. 
STOP SPENDING AND START SMILING!

What's new?

What's new? Not too much.  I practiced a large dose of apartment therapy this weekend, and let's just say... my apartment feels about a zillion times better- home is the haven of my soul. 

I discovered my blood type from the last time I gave blood and nearly passed out doing so.  After giving blood I didn't feel back to myself for probably three days.  Still, I like the idea of giving my blood to help save someone's life.  I am blood type A positive, and according to Japanese tradition, I am a "farmer".  I read the personality type, and it jives pretty well with me.  I think it's so interesting that the Asian world bases much of their interactions on it. 

I opened a free account to Dave Ramsey "Every Dollar Matters".  I listen to him two hours out of my work day now, and I enjoy him a great deal.  My days circle around the radio- John Jay Justus (local Tucson), Dave Ramsey, the World on NPR.  Once in a while a little country or K Love.

The Tucson Bus Strike continues- day 35.  Personally, I notice that I am much happier not riding, but I feel badly for the people that are suffering because the city is so weak in leadership. 
So many big things are going on in the world- the Syrian refuge crisis touches me so, and I am looking into ways to do something. 

Still reflecting on the message from Sunday.  I like the idea of putting all my self into the offering plate.  Also, each ingredient to make a chocolate cake can taste pretty awful by itself, but in the end- after being stirred and baked with time- it works out and tastes sweet.  A clever reminder of God working all things out for good in our lives.

Grilled out, played cards, and watched some fantastic movies this weekend.  I'll be honest- a lot of tear jerkers.  Unbroken, Home Front, The Man from Nowhere! Some intense movies! But it also felt good to laugh myself to oblivion with Tyler Perry's movie, A Madea Christmas.  It felt so, so good to laugh!

I finally have a couch...

Psalm 90

Today was a good day.  I woke up bright and early.  I wanted to start the new week fresh, so I cleaned and scrubbed up the apartment and organized.  I made a noble attempt to be an energetic lady, and my priority was getting to church. 

Thank God for kind souls that offer rides when bus strikes and hot days continue.  I'm thankful for Roland and Linda.  They are tough warrior saints that have been through the fire, but they are at ease and comfortable extending a helping hand (ride) to me.  I'm grateful!

Pastor Jim spoke on the eternal character of God in Psalm 90.  I think the title of his sermon was something like the storm inside your soul.  Needless to say, the sermon spoke straight to my broken and weak heart, and I thanked the Lord for reminding me of the safe haven He has always been and always will be to me. 
Life is brutal, it beats me up, and many days I realize I can be downright stupid.  Psalm 90 sums up three wonderful prayers I love and need:

Life is short- teach me, Lord.
Life is hard- satisfy me, Lord.
Life is futile- establish me, Lord.

My heart is sad by the weight of disillusionment and disappointment, but I'm clinging to these prayers as I remember that time is within eternity and there is a bigger story at work in my life and in the world. 

Weekend

Thank God for the weekend! I allowed myself some good old fashioned pampering today- My one guilty pleasure is getting my hair done, and I indulged today. I have a stylist I really like and she treated me today with a special treatment and a head massage.  I love shiny, soft hair!
After that, I went to In N Out Burger and had a nice cheeseburger with fries and a lemonade.  I lingered a little, read my book and stared up at the clouds.  I rode my bicycle home- sweating and hot upon return.  I decided to have a little ice cream with some frozen chocolate chips.
It's been a really great day.  I'm going to take a nap now, talk to some friends, and get ready for Sunday.  (S.S. and church service early)  I'm so thankful for this day of rest and relaxation!

Comfort Food

It's been a real doozy of a week for me, and I am beyond thankful for this Friday night of rest.  The weather was pretty blissful all week, but today was super hot again.  I forgot my lunch and the combination of an empty stomach, pedaling in the heat, and being exhausted made me collapse as soon as I entered my door. 

It's good to be home.  After I stripped and threw cold water on my body, I started to cook.  I decided I needed a home cooked meal of comfort so I put together a quick meatloaf made with onion, pepper, meat, egg, brown sugar, ketchup, mustard, spices, chile, salt and pepper, and I whipped up some mashed potatoes still with the skin with butter, milk, and salt and pepper in the process.  I sprinkled on cheddar cheese.  So it's nothing gourmet, but it's comfort food and it hit the spot. 

I have been making sun tea lately, and it was a perfect meal to enjoy with my nice glass of cold sweet summer tea.  Earlier this week I made a mango black bean salad, yesterday I made delicious spaghetti carbonara.  Yum.  Tonight I wanted something hearty and homey, meatloaf and mashed potatoes made with love to myself with love.  Nothing makes me feel more grounded and restored than cooking and eating and being at home. 

Psalm 46

"God will help her when morning dawns..."

I'm praying for a friend tonight, and I'm praying for myself.  Out of love, I'm letting someone I care about go, so that he might have a chance for himself to get well. 
I can't imagine what he's going through- this disease of addiction, of alcoholism so rampant in his family and culture, something he's always known.
But my eyes have been opened, oh so slightly, to its horrors.
It's the scary stuff you see in the movies but you can't understand as real.  It's ugly and smelly, and the unpredictability is the worst.

I've been in circles where beer and wine were fun, even Christian buddies that enjoyed a glass in the name of grace and freedom and not being under legalism.  And in all honesty, I've failed to understand the sadness and guttural reactions of other friends that couldn't withstand it.  I am now in that second category.  I don't even enjoy cooking with wine anymore.  I hate alcohol with such a passion that I never want to see it in my dwelling.  I never want to waste the money on it.  But at the same time, I understand my other friends that can handle it in moderation.  For me, the sight of it is painful and sad.  Maybe that will change, but it may take a long while. 

Hard lessons have been learned in my life lately- about helping, enabling, what love is.  I had no understanding of the true grip of addiction, and I hesitate to believe I understand it now, but I see its power and destruction with clearer vision.

I can pray.  I can get on my knees and pray for my friend.  I can encourage with my words, but my biggest act of love right now is letting him go so that he can decide for himself if his life worth fighting for.  Damn self hatred! Damn self destruction! It breaks my heart into a million pieces.  Is self hatred at the core of addiction?
I pray for healing, for help, for open hearts.

People ask me if my friend might never change.  People warn me that at mid- life, the chances of true change are dimmer and harder.  I have to accept this reality, but I can't give up hope on him.  I pray for a miracle.  I pray that his second half of life will be better and brighter than his first, and he will believe that he is worth it.  I believe God can make all things new, all things better, and all people healed and whole.  None of us are any better than another, and my heart goes out to those in bondage, but I can't save them even though I suppose I've tried my whole life. 
I can only love in a way that protects, trusts, hopes, and never gives up through God's grace. 

Weekend

Happy Weekend!

Tucson bus strike continues- I've lost count of days, but it's close to three weeks.  It's said to be the longest bus strike in recent history.  I remain grateful for a three mile away job and a bicycle that works pretty darn well!

I am not following the news much, so I'm not sure why Donald Trump is running for President.  I look at my Abraham Lincoln poster... and well, I can't imagine ever hanging up Donald Trump. 

I spent much of today resting.  I've been going through various things in my personal life, and it feels so good to rest, read, putter, and clean.  I made a delicious sun tea today with sugar and honey, a refreshing mango salad with peppers, red onion, black beans and a mango dressing mixed with some Italian dressing.  I also baked sea salt chocolate chip cookies and spent two hours doing laundry. 

My day started by a walk across the way to Circle K.  I was almost run over by a car, and instinctively I put my hand up to say slow down.  I confess I wasn't in the passenger walk but close enough.  I kept walking but the car slowed down and the couple started screaming at me, "Bitch, stay in the crosswalk.  Bitch, what are you looking at? Bitch, stop looking at me."  Just another day in a beautiful, friendly neighborhood.  Oh, well.  I don't take it personally.  I suspect they have some anger issues of their own. 

I was at peace today, curled up with my memoir by Beth Howard, my Bible and journal, and a little book called The Angels' Little Instruction Book.  Life is short, so very short, and I'm grateful for what is right now. 

Cowboy Strong

The weekend was tough.  When you hear that it's better to come sooner than later, I know what it means, but I don't think I digest it very well.  Death is not that rampant in my life, and yet it's the reality of life.  I spent the weekend with Mr. Jones, my last time with him most likely.  I'm expecting a call any moment now to tell me that he has gone Home. 

He's not my father, hopefully my father-in-law one day, but I ache in a daughter way.  I am sad I won't hear stories about his life, that I can't quiz him and sit out on the porch with iced tea and talk.  I'm sad that he won't be a part of our lives.  I feel the loss, and yet I'm profoundly grateful that I got to spend time with this dear and precious man with a wild and cool spirit.  Hard working, tough as nails, tender and proud.  Strong and fun.  A survivor with so much practical sense and smarts.  I wanted to gain some of that knowledge and spirit, soak in it and let it water me.  I am thankful I got to hear a little bit about his sheep, the horses, and we got to sing and pray together. 

Saturday I asked him if he'd like to sing Amazing Grace again with me.  He said, "I can't remember it."  I said, "that's okay, I bet it will come back to you."  Sure enough, we began to sing and he sang right along.  Sunday he was in great pain, but even through pain that I can't imagine, he tried to sing along with his son.  To me, this is a lovely testimony of not giving up, of keeping faith, and living life to the end with a full heart of love. 

One of the daughters told her dad, "I want you to have limbs again, Dad, I want you to be free to run and be with your horses.  I want you to be with Mom.  I love you, Dad, but I don't want you to hurt anymore."  This touched my heart so much. 

My heart is filled with gratitude for having met Mr. Jones.  I respect and love him very much, and I pray that he has comfort and peace until Jesus calls him home.  I pray that he will be soothed by the voices of his loved ones, knowing that he is loved and he can rest.  Ayoo Aniinshni!

Frank Gifford/ Strep Throat/ Toyota

Last night before I went to bed, I heard the news about Frank Gifford's death.  I was so saddened by the news.  Sad because I watch Kathie Lee and Hoda almost every day and feel a part of their lives.  Kathie Lee is controversial, but I have always loved her.  I feel she has a big heart with a strong faith.  I prayed for her before I went to bed and I prayed for her throughout today.  She may be rich and famous and beautiful, but she's still human.  She's hurting and sad, and I pray that Jesus comforts her and all of the children.  And Hoda, such a good friend, is hurting right along side of her, and it touches me deeply to see and feel. 

Do I have strep throat? I think I do but I just started a new job last week working for Toyota Precision.  I like it, and it's only 2.5 miles away.  It's the first job I've ever had that is a sit on your ass all day kind of job, and I'm truly enjoying it.  I sit with my Walkman, water, tea/coffee, and I enjoy peace and serenity.  I am so thankful, but I also don't feel I can call in right now.  So I'm drinking lots of fluids and hoping sleep and pain reliever take care of it. 

So many blessings lately- good food, hosting a couple to dinner Wednesday night, supporting a friend's culinary dream, riding bicycle again, and reading good books.  I'm grateful for a clean little apartment, baking an apple crisp and enjoying it with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce, grilled cheese made with freshly shaved hot pepper cheese, and warmth and peace.  Thank You, God.  You are good. 

Encouragement Today

- a lady at work nodded and pushed forth a piece of cold German chocolate cake as I walked passed.  I took it into the shade and ate it with my fingers

- My temp agency called and one of the ladies is giving me her mountain bike (that she never uses) tomorrow evening.  I'm crying as I write this!

- My boss gave me a gift of a purple pen with Jones on the title- not knowing anything personal about my life.  Cute and purple is my favorite color. 

I've been discouraged and disheartened, and I think God sent me some glimmers of hope to remind me that I'm not alone and it's going to be okay. 

My fabulous temp agency is a group of women that are among the sweetest people on earth.  They've helped keep me employed the last few months and are still helping me find full time work.  In between, I'm hoping to get to Phoenix this weekend to be with Leonard.  He's in hospice care now and one of the few things I feel certain in my life now is that I want to see him.  Maybe it's that wonderful gift that in giving to someone else, you are given a greater gift. 

Things on my mind!

First off, may I recommend a blog to you?
http://theworldneedsmorepie.com/

Check it out for yourself, but I think Kristen Howard is my new hero, and she's totally inspiring me to bake and share pies with the world.  I love everything that she has to say.  That being said, I've decided to put that on my to do list- bake more pies and give them away!

Church is refreshing and the simple reminder that God is in control is ultimate peace, but a piece of pie wouldn't hurt.  :)

I contacted my old boss from Hickory Farms.  They have gone CORPORATE.  I don't have any feelings about this, but am excited to hear that the pay might be a little better.  Last year I am sure I gained 10 pounds with all the extra cheese, sausage and melt away mints that I sampled in between passing out samples.  I'm happy they are willing to take me back! I worked there last season and more than a decade ago when I was maybe 19 or 20.  So I applied again and have a good recommendation.  It's crazy to think about but October/November will be here before I know it, so I'm planning ahead.  Praying I have continued work and can work there for extra cash flow. 

I've decided that making my bed every day and taking the time to look a little nicer are well worth it.  And for the first time in my life I have an array of wonderful perfumes to wear and lotions.  The other day a young girl looked at me and complimented me- "You smell good."  Here's the thing- perfume has always been a luxury, but someone very kind gave me about two years worth of fantastic perfumes.  It felt like Christmas, and I am enjoying smelling good.  It feels wonderfully feminine and sweet. 

Lastly, the sun is making my hair grow! It's getting long and I don't have the money to cut or deal with it.  But my messy French braid is the easiest style for staying cool!

Happy August folks! Some of my favorite people in the world were born this month! Roar, Lions, Roar!

Gratitude

I am thankful today for the following gifts:

- clean purple sheets to welcome me to dream land
- blue and green M and M's
- seeing a strong man (my love!) throw a football out in the sunshine
- meeting kind and gracious people at my first Al- Non meeting
- thinking of my dear friend, Toya, on her birthday.  So thankful for her life! SO THANKFUL
- reading a good book on my porch while the monsoon mist sprayed me
- swimming with such strength
- food (gnocci and black beans with jalapenos...)
- continued work
- chilling out with a good movie! A good movie, not a crappy, normal movie!

Bus Strike

This weekend the bus workers of the city of Tucson are negotiating their new contract.  I talked to one of my favorite drivers yesterday and he was telling me how the garbage men/women make more than he does.  He said and I'm taking care of people, not garbage.  I agree, but I am also in favor of the garbage folks making a good amount.  Come on! That's an awful smelly, not so glamorous job.  But I also see his point.  As someone who once helped people in wheelchairs get around, I found it extremely stressful to make sure they were safe.  On top of that, the bus riders of Tucson are not an easy bunch.  On more than one occasion, I've thought to myself, "I could never do this job in a million years."  Not only do I have trouble parking a small vehicle, but I would not want to be entrusted with so many people's safety and all the issues that abound.  One morning, on the way to work, a man spilled alcohol all over the bus and some of it dripped onto me.  Way to make a great impression on my first week of work!

Tucson is known for its drugs, its violence, and that being said, the bus system attracts many of these types.  I've been a bus rider in Tucson now for a year, and let me just say, it hasn't always been very pleasant or felt very safe.  At the same time, I'm also extremely grateful because it's enabled me to get around when my bike was stolen, when I was too exhausted to pedal, and when the distance was too great in the desert heat.  I'm reliant on the system for everything now. 

The comforting thing is that I'm not alone.  There are parents that need the bus system to get their kids to school or the doctor.  There are fresh young U of A kids that are needing the bus to go to Starbucks, work, or a nightclub.  I don't know- we all have needs! There are the disabled and elderly that need the bus because they are alone and can't drive anymore.  They need to buy groceries and get to the doctor. 

I am working with a wonderful temp agency that has helped me find work the last few months, and I am having to wait till this negotiation is over to apply to more jobs.  There could be a strike over salary, over safety.  But I feel that it's good timing on my end as I just finished one job and want to start a temp to hire job.  I pray if it does happen it doesn't last too long.  How could it?  And I feel thankful for a little time off.  What money I had in savings for a car will have to be used up, but I am not giving up.  I will rest and recover and get back to work.  That is the goal and that is my hope. 

Cecil

I am sad about Cecil's death.  I know thousands of people are also feeling sad.  I am so off put by an educated American man who would go to another country and kill a majestic lion.  I don't care if it's famous or not- it's a lion! I've been thinking about this a lot, and it stirs in me feelings to help --work at a reserve, an elephant orphanage, do something!

I am sad that human beings don't seem to value life much- so why would they value such a precious animal?
When I was working one summer in Yellowstone Park, I risked the danger signs of a prominent bear region and enjoyed hiking it alone.  It was a large open meadow trail with stunning flowers and wild beauty.  As I was ending my hike, I saw a bear in close proximity walking the other direction from me.  We were parallel for a moment, but then we passed each other.  I remember being a bit scared, pausing, and then feeling absolute wonder and amazement.  It is a memory that will always be special to me.  I realized that I was in the bear's world, and this was not my world.  It was humbling and wonderful. It sounds kind of simplistic and silly, but I never want to forget the feeling. 

My thinking is that the cocky dentist feels that the world is his, and unfortunately, he is a severe embarrassment.  The world is not his, and it is not ours.  And in killing the lion, he killed a reflection of God's glory.

Swimming

I just got back from the pool.  I would have swam longer, but I could feel the sun turning me more layers of darkness.  I've gone so many years without wearing sunscreen, and even now, I almost always forget to apply it.  I wear a floppy hat everywhere, but still a girl at work joked I could blend in with her Mexican kids.  Oh how I know that this is not good!

Like so many things, I discovered a love for swimming later in life.  I went to a college that insisted on a swim test to graduate, because many of the "poor Appalachian kids" had never seen water hid in between those beautiful mountains.  I also heard that many of the African students would jump in not realizing the depths of the water- never experiencing a pool.  I decided to take the swim class and our instructor led us out into the water holding hands and singing Kumbya.  I thought it was hilarious. 

I was always so uncomfortable and self conscious in a swimsuit, and I remember jumping into the pool only to have my top come flying off in that same swim class.  I was mortified.  I was an okay swimmer, but I was always hiding and trying to not be seen.  Even as a child I remember swimming in a pool and a boy asking me, "Why are you swimming with your tshirt on?" I was so incredibly self conscious. 

I fell in love with swimming in Maine.  I suppose Maine is a totally different world than say L.A., and I lost most all my self consciousness because the beauty and fun of it were too enormous for me.  I loved the strength I found in swimming to rocks to rest and relax, and I enjoyed swimming across a pond to rest on a deck.  It thrilled me to look out upon the green trees, study the clouds, hear the birds, and swim with all my strength.  I slept hard and well, and I didn't shower as much...  I also breathed better and felt stronger.  And over time, something happened to all that self consciousness.  I didn't care who saw me or what they thought- I loved swimming and I didn't give a rip! I was strong and enjoying myself! I swam in the ocean and skinny dipped one night all alone behind trees and invisible to others.  It is a fantastic feeling.  I swam in Maine's cleanest ponds and most pristine rivers, and I swam for exercise, mental health, stress reduction, and because I found it refreshing and fun. 

Now I am in Arizona and have a pool right behind my apartment and I'm still swimming.  I swim laps now in a chlorine pool while I look up at palm trees and a blinding sun, but I still get a bit of nature and I'm getting stronger and feeling great.  My favorite time to swim is when no one is there, but not because I'm self conscious- I enjoy having the space to not bump into people.  I like my morning swims best of all.  It feels like the perfect start to a day.  As I think about "good days" I would definitely put swimming, hiking, biking, or a walk in it.  Being in nature, even a small amount, changes my entire perspective and attitude. 

Weekend Realization

This weekend has been tough.  Even though I'm 36 and feel like I've been through my share of life's ups and downs, I'm in deep adult waters right now.  The child in me is scared, afraid, and sad.  Friday, after finishing up my full time 3 month temp position, I went for a swim.  After I had swam a few laps and was relaxing a bit, a young lady entered the pool with a peaceful aura and friendly manner.  I told her, "You're a  good swimmer.  I can't do the butterfly."  We talked a little bit about swimming, and then she looked over at me and asked, "How are you doing today?" I looked at her puzzled and surprised that a human was caring about how I was doing today and overwhelmed because I couldn't respond.  I smiled softly and got out of the pool.  It stirred something inside of me, and quite bluntly, I realized I'm not okay. 
I slept for a long time to recover some energy that evening, and I've done laundry and eaten well.  I went for another swim and have started my research. 
I have faith that my temp agency will find me work.  I already have a part time gig lined up for the coming week, and I can only be hopeful about finding more work.  But it's been tough to work in a toxic environment with "mean girls" this last week.  I've felt invisible.
The adult stuff? Giving up things, having patience, being strong for the person I love that is sick, and taking care of my self which I must start doing better.
This week I am going to my first Al-Non meeting, and I'm going to begin the search for a counselor of my own.  I'm also getting books to help me understand addiction and what it's truly like. 
I have made some mistakes, and I accept that I am human.  Still, I want to be strong and do the right thing so that the seeds I plant now through my actions will reap something better in the end.  It's hard to care for someone so much and want so much for them to be healthy, but to accept that you can't control their behavior and motivations. 
I am trying very hard to be strong and good, but this weekend I realized I need help too. 

Today

Today I am thinking about words like inconvenience, annoyance, invisible, not important, obligation. 
Love cancels all these words.  Love is present and powerful, ready to save, include, affirm, and see. 
It's a strange world, because it operates opposite.
Give me a heart to love more like You- today, and every day. 
Help me to resist the sighs, to make the extra efforts, to see the people around me as rare treasures, and to never operate out of exasperation. 

Things I'd Like to Try!

Sometimes I feel like I can grow stagnant, and at times likes these, I like to think about the things I'd like to accomplish, learn, or still do in my life. 
Here are a few of those things:

1.  Make jewelry.  I really enjoy gifts that are hand made, and I have long wanted to learn how to do some of these things.  My quilts made by my Grandma and a dear cherished friend are among my most beloved possessions.  I also cherish the earrings that have been given to me that my friends have made specifically with me in mind, and the necklaces I've received from friends (and Leland!) that are hand crafted.  I have several crosses, a necklace called Sunshine, and beaded symmetrical Navajo style necklaces.  I adore them.  Earrings are probably my favorite and friends encourage and tell me that it's not that difficult- watch youtube, very few things needed, and then wah- lah! I love the idea of playing with colors, being creative, and giving a gift that I made myself!

2.  Learn how to play chess.  I don't have a clue how to play chess, and it looks really interesting to me.  I like that it's a thinking game.  I loved the movie King of Life about the ex convict who redeemed his life and started a chess club for inner city kids.  It inspired me.  I wonder how learning chess could help me think better? I would love to learn.

3.  Visit the De Grazia Gallery in the Sun and go on a tour of the land, etc.,

4.  Have a yard sale! I don't have a yard, but perhaps I could use someone else's yard or combine with someone else to make it happen.  I'm thinking fall, when things cool down a bit...

5.  Watch the VHS's I have on New York City.  PBS Documentary. 

There are so many more things, but this is a start! Here's to life and growing and living and learning and expanding!

Little Adventures

I decided to jump on the band wagon and am oil pulling.  I've started using coconut oil in my hair, on my body, in my cooking, so now it's in my mouth.  Day one is done.  I'll update you later.  It feels good and clean.  Also, I'm going to look into getting  a cleaning through El Rio Dental Clinic this week.  It's been too long.  Here's to oral health.  This is the month!

I went shopping with my friend Libby last night at Trader Joes and I managed to not keep her waiting but one minute.  I bought a good amount of food and fixed battered halibut and fresh cantaloupe today, and I resisted the temptation to buy cards.  This was a budget victory! Still I did buy some non essentials like buffalo jerky and sour cream cheese puffs.  Trader Joes gets me every time.

I've been doing a little Netflix binging.  I hate to admit it, but that's the truth.  Does it help that I've been sick? I discovered Grace and Frankie, a new sitcom, and have loved watching it.  Jane Fonda is great! I never thought I liked her, but I see why she is so popular.  I can't believe how great she looks at 74.  WOW.  Anyway, it's pretty funny.  I've discovered that youtube offers a ton of free Jane Fonda work outs.  I'm going to try them out- I'm so tired of my slouching and bad posture.  I am hoping that a little yoga will inspire me to be more straight. 

Recovery Road

I called in sick today, still weak and pathetic, and I slept till noon.  I woke up still feeling weak but less so.  I baked myself a potato in the oven for 1.5 hours and enjoyed my simple lunch.  I drank over 3 gallons of water- I think part of my sickness was heat exhaustion. 
I did go out - I made it to my gym to cancel my membership.  I love my gym, love my classes, but I'm tired of paying for it.  I'm also smart enough to know that I can exercise without a gym.  I hope to make the effort.  I need to pick up some cheap dumb bells
I also went to Target for Gatorade and applesauce...
I read more of Love Does by Bob Goff- laughing, crying, and prolonging the reading of the last chapter.  I don't want it to end. It really does come down to love.  I appreciate how he lives and how accessible he makes himself to people of all types.  He gets past all the Christianese and awakens me to the gift of life that God is calling me to now... and whimsical love!  He included his phone number in the book as well as his address on his website! I want to write him, but I have to figure out what to say first.
I walked to the fancy Mexican restaurant where I have applied to work before.  I'm looking for a second job to save for a car.  I applied first as a server but because I don't speak or comprehend Spanish- nay! So I went back willing to dish wash, host, bus, or whatever he might need.  He gave me an application and I laid it on thick.  I am so tired of applying to jobs in Tucson and no one ever calling me.  I told him before I left that I hoped he would call me, and he told me that he would keep me in mind.  It would be ideal for me- right next door, a fun environment, good Mexican food, and flexibility.  One never knows what another is thinking, but at least I have a full time job so I'm not in panic mode.  I want to be busy, making money, and saving for that car.  I just have to keep at it, my eyes open on opportunities and ideas. 
And maybe I'll go back and eat there soon as a reminder...

Down and then Up

Too much worrying, too much going, and not enough slow time.  I got sick at work, on my lunch break, and immediately started having the chills.  I feel miserable, but I also realize this is a gift to me.  I finally have to focus completely on me, and I have no energy for anyone or anything else.

It's the first time I remember ever being so severely heart sick that it manifests in all the wonderful ways I love being sick- throwing up, the chills, etc.,
Time to go back to sleep. 

CAR

Today I felt trapped without a car.  I have been pretty content this past year without a vehicle.  I was sweaty by the time I got somewhere, but my legs were pretty damn muscular and strong! I figured my way around Tucson, preparing and planning for the miles, thankful for my simple lifestyle and the way riding helped me live more in my senses. 

But today I am restless and I'm thankful for the restlessness, because it's motivating me to establish a goal for myself.  I need a car, and I must budget and work harder to achieve this goal.
Here are the reasons I feel that I need to save and buy a car:

1) Safety reasons.  It's not safe to be out in my neighborhood.  Today I was out a few times in the day and there were so many creepers.  I hate cat calling, and I know I would feel a lot safer in a car. 
2) So I can go to the church of my choice!
3) So I can go hiking whenever I want and get the best exercise nature provides!
4) So I can go through the drive thru because I love drive- thru's
5) Time purposes.  I wake up at 5am Monday thru Friday to catch my first bus out of two to get to work.  I could sleep two hours later if I could drive myself.
6) I would have more job options and more options in general.
7) So I can buy more than one bag of grocery without the bag breaking.
8) So I can travel and see more of this state I live.
9) So when company comes to visit, I have a car to help them see where I live.
10)Because driving is a wonderful way to RELAX and THINK and DREAM!

So now I need to plan... how will I save for a car?

1) No eating out, no fancy drinks, no books, no entertainment (not even Netflix!) READ.  I need and want to READ anyway, and I have plenty to read and enjoy.  And plenty to enjoy on youtube, etc.,
2) Quit my gym membership.  It's 21.00 / month, but that adds up and they add on 40.00 the beginning of November.  I can- hopefully- hike more with Libby, swim frequently, and walk more. 
3) Find a second job.  I applied to three places this morning, and I am most interested in DD's which is just a mile from my house.  They are hiring, and I will stay persistent in calling and reaching out to them.  A second job could make a big difference in my saving.
4) Have a yard sale.  I'm going to inquire about having a yard sale in front of my apartment complex on a Saturday.  If not, I will try to find someone to have a joint sale with at some point. 
5) Continue to use a cheap phone and get the basics, but find out if there are any ways in which my plan could be even cheaper. 

Navajo Praise

A couple weeks ago I got a call from my love's family members telling me that their father would be needing a foot amputation.  I had met all the sisters but hadn't met L's father yet.  L's mother died when he was twenty-five.  I caught glimpses of his father through stories, which sounded legendary and great, and I saw pictures of a beautiful cowboy/Navajo man with his beloved horses.  I knew about how tough and hard this man was- rising before the sun and working in a way that most people can't fathom, myself included.  I wanted to meet him, and I wanted to be with the family during this hard time, so I booked myself a ticket through Sky Shuttle after the sisters invited me and told me that the airport (where my bus drop off would be) was very close to the hospital. 

I imagined I would be able to be there for the day and maybe see my love for a couple hours.  I felt a pressing need to be with the father, though, and I'm still so thankful that I made the trip.  One of the sisters picked me up early that Thursday morning, and after a brief stop for burritos, we went to the hospital and found our man.  The sister was busy on the phone, so I went right to his side and he grabbed hold of my hand tight and firm and wouldn't let me go.  I sat down beside him and started to cry a river of tears.  I looked at this man and began to feel the enormity of what was happening to him.  He was losing his foot, one that had traveled miles on horse, worked the land, and been strong and vital in so many ways.  And I could see that this man had already been through so much.  He didn't have his left arm because a bus ran over him, and he only had 30 percent vision in one eye.  In the other eye, he was completely blind.  I also knew he had dementia, but that morning, he was bright and talkative.  He talked to me about his sheep, and how he missed his home up north on the Reservation.  He told me, "home makes me feel good."  He told me about how he loved his sisters and brothers, and how he loved his son. 

He called me pretty, which touched my heart.  And he had such a grateful heart.  He kept saying how much he appreciated everyone's support and love.  He told me, "You've got to keep pedaling.  Gotta stay on the bicycle."  Those simple words blessed me, and I keep them close to my heart still. I think to myself, just keep pedaling, just keep going.  I thought that was brilliant advice.  If you fall off the bicycle, get back up and keep on pedaling.  Obviously, he was a man that had lived this advice.  He had more than one serious injury with horses in his life, one involving a horse stomping his femur, but he kept on keeping on.  Often, I was told, he was injured and no one ever found out until he had a life threating issue and the doctors would find other broken parts in his body. 

He was elated when the sweet and glowing Chaplin came in with her rosaries for all of us and prayed over Leonard.  She soothed his heart and all of ours too, and then she asked if she could give him a kiss.  I decided to sing to him, even though I am not the best singer.  I sang what I could remember, which isn't much, but I always can remember "Amazing Grace".  Once I started singing Leonard lit up and began to sing along and before I knew it, he was singing back to me in his native Navajo tongue "Amazing Grace".  It was beautiful.  I wish I had had a tape recorder.  Later one of the sisters gave me a phone and we sang along to "Love Lifted Me", "I Saw the Light", "Lord, I Hope this Day is Good".  It was sweet to see the son and father bonding with song, with prayer.  When the son raised his hands in prayer, the father wanted to do the same.  He kept smiling at me through it all.  One time, however, he told me that I was making him cry with my music... or maybe my singing?

Before I left I stopped by to say goodbye.  One day visit had turned into a four day stay, and I had bonded with this dear and precious man.  I went to kiss him and love on him, and I told him how I loved him.  I told him in Navajo, and he said back to me in English, "I love you too" with a big smile.  It melted my heart.  There was such purity and love. 

All of his children were present during his time in the hospital, watching over him and making sure that he was never alone.  I could not help but think how fortunate he was to have such loving children that would sneak him bites of their burrito and give him a Sprite and make sure he was comfortable.  It was touching to see, and I was thankful to be part of it.  Some extended members stopped by as well as friends.  Family members called on the phone to speak with him.  Sometimes we forget, but I can't help but wonder if his surgery would have been as successful without all the love?

Heartbreak

My heart is breaking, and as much as I try to hold on, I can't help but cave.  I lack strength.  I turned everything off and crawled into my bed.  I've never heard so much noise from the earth as I am hearing right now.  First monsoon of 2015.  First heavy monsoon of my life.  It feels like my apartment could collapse and crush me at any moment.  It's strangely comforting because my heart feels like this weather- shocked, frightened, dark, and beaten.  How can this rain and storm feel so violent? Where did all this come from... Just like my heart is feeling, it came out of nowhere.  Unexpected. 

I spent the weekend in Phoenix at the hospital and with little sleep.  I spent the last two days crying with a heavy heart over my love.  And now I'm processing and friends warn me to not fall into a depression, but I look around and wonder if I need to allow myself some time to feel this tormented burden of disappointment and sadness.  Hope feels far away from me tonight, but I have to believe- just as this storm is hiding the sun- it will come again. 

Joey and Rory

I recently discovered the music of Joey and Rory, a talented husband/wife from Columbia, TN.  In finding their music, I found hope.  They are a young couple singing songs that connect with what I believe and value.  They sing wonderful songs but also the old, wonderful hymns like "In The Garden", "Have You Been Washed in the Blood".  I love these hymns and their authenticity as people.  They are a humble people, and it's easy to see that by the way they homestead, serve, and remain grateful. 
I also see the love between the couple, and to me, it is inspiring love.  After discovering their music, I also found out that Joey's cervical cancer has come back, and she has stage four cancer now.  Even though I don't know this precious lady personally, I feel like I know her, and my heart breaks for her.  This couple has a one year old girl named Indiana.  She is the light of their lives, born with down syndrome. 
I have been following Rory's blog, This Life I Live, and I am praying for them.  Please keep them in your prayers as well.  I am reminded that as believers we are guaranteed persecution... Life is so hard, confusing at times... (thinking of Charleston, SC) but our faith continues on and we know He is with us. 
Bless this precious couple, Jesus, and be glorified.  Comfort, ease the pain, restore her body, I pray. 

Rest

Today was such a lovely day.  I love slowing down, and I needed a slow day and weekend desperately! God is so good to bring refreshment to our souls just when we need it, dry and weary, He gives us rest and hope. 
Most of my life I've felt a need to work almost all the time, and it can be absolutely consuming.  As I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate the gift of life more.  I've also gone to therapy and heard again and again about being kind to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gentle.  No more beating yourself up!
I've been training at a new job the last month, and it has had its stressful moments for sure.  Recently the stress fell off me as I was moved into a new, more comfortable position.  Still, I've been tired from trying to get everything right all the time, to fit into impossibly big shoes.
Today I had the first true day of rest that I can remember in a long time.  I lingered in bed and then enjoyed a pot of coffee.  Yes, a pot! I read a little, puttered around, looked at the news, etc., I made myself a big breakfast with eggs and peppers and a little before noon I went to the pool with Bible and journal.  I laid in the sun and read the Word, then I dipped in the pool and swam a few laps.  No one was there, and it was so relaxing to listen to the birds, stare up at the palm trees, and feel the sunshine on a beautiful May day.  I also sat in the Jacuzzi for a few minutes and a little before one,  I went back home... just as the people started coming.  Perfect timing!
I ate a salad and  napped, and then I cleaned my apartment.  It felt good to clean the sink, to scrub the tub, to give attention to the things I normally don't. 
This evening I hiked up Tumamoc Hill with a friend from Kentucky college days.  Lots of people were out enjoying the night and we made it down just as the sun was beginning to set.
I came home and made myself a big bowl of popcorn with lots of salt and now I'm getting ready to watch a movie.
Thank You, Sweet Jesus, for days of rest and refreshment.  You are a giver of life, and I am thankful for the life You've given me today!

Addictions

This has been an eye opening year of meeting and being close to people with real, achingly hard addictions that they are facing, overcoming, battling.  People that I work with, love, study the Bible with and enjoy. 
A lady at work told me she has an eating disorder.
A man I love is in a program to overcome drugs and alcohol.
A woman I am getting to know confessed sex addiction to me.
And then there are other friends who more privately or jokingly whisper their less shocking but equally addictive behaviors with food, with shopping, with hoarding, with facebook, with work...
I've been thinking about all of this recently and here are some thoughts I have on the matter.
I think that even though we all struggle with something, alcohol and drugs seem to be the most shaming.  This makes me sad. 
All of us have sinned, the Bible says, and we all fall short of His glory.  It's an even playing ground, my friends.  I've got nothing.  You've got nothing.  He's got it all, and that all is His forgiveness and hope. 
Because I know we all struggle with something, I've had to come face to face with my own addiction, and my most private battle is comparison.  I struggle to accept myself for who I am and not to think higher or less of myself compared to others.  Like any addiction, I can feel those intense triggers and familiar way of thinking, but with God's help and grace, I'm healing and being set free.
If you're reading this and you're honest with yourself, I'm sure you've battled something yourself.  We are all more alike than we think, and know that you are not alone.  Most of all, know that God is there for you. 

First Grade

I don't have a lot of very clear memories of my childhood, but I do remember being in first grade and sitting around a reading table.  I can still remember how I felt, like I was trapped in some place I didn't belong.  I was sitting with four or five other kids, my teacher, and a teacher's aide.  Kids around me were trying to sound out words and read.  I was bored and thinking about other things.  I started scrolling to the back of the book and started reading it.  The teacher's aide caught me and then I started meeting with someone one on one to see what my reading capacity might be.  My parents, not the greatest parents in the world (an understatement), thought I was "stupid" as my father told me.  Rapidly I moved to the higher reading groups where I was placed in the next to best reading group in the class.  Isn't it funny how I knew these class divisions at that age? Actually, it's not surprising! I wanted to be the best, and recently I have identified something in my thinking that I'm working on.  I have felt and feel that if I am not the best at something, I'm not enough.  The truth is I am enough as I am.  Maybe having parents that considered me stupid when I was in a lower reading group made me feel like I had to be smarter and brighter to be accepted and esteemed.  The truth is I am lacking in a lot of ways, and I am overflowing in a lot of ways, but no matter, I am enough.  God accepts me as I am, He loves me and cares for me.  I'm so thankful for how my Father sees and loves me! Amen!

Tired

Tired... from real work, catching buses, carrying boxes, folding clothes, climbing ladders, taking boxes out to the trash, learning...
No longer tired from the exhaustion of looking for work, the strain of rejection and defeat, the agony of worry and struggle. 
And for this, I want to tell the world how grateful I am and how good God is all the time.
When you feel like you might be at your wit's end, the sun streams light down that changes how you feel and see everything. 
PRAISE GOD.
And to my friends or those I don't know struggling to find work, I understand the tiredness you feel in your soul.  We grow weary- weary from rejection, striving, planning, worrying, fighting, but His strength is consistent.  He does not grow weary, and even better than this, He never grows weary of us.  You may feel alone, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Let Him carry your burdens as much as you can.  He will see you through.  You will make it!

Weekend Bliss

It was a good weekend here in Arizona.  I hate to focus my writing around food, but let's be honest, I don't hate it at all! While I enjoyed zumba, swimming, church, friends, I also reveled in some time in the kitchen and listening to some wonderful music while I cooked. 
Here are some of the delicious things I tasted this weekend:
1.  Homemade popcorn with melted butter and salt.  DIVINE.  (so easy... so good!) I had it for dinner one evening.  Livin' life!
2.  Good old fashioned strawberry jello blended in with whipped cream.  I couldn't get over how delicious it tasted.  Very good!
3.  Mashed potatoes- used up some Idaho potatoes and mashed them up with milk and butter.   Delicious.  What's better? I confess to feeling extremely heavy afterwards, though, and vowing to eat more fruit.  Still, one has to enjoy mashed potatoes every once in awhile.  It warms the soul.  It makes you feel GOOD!
4.  I made my chicken artichoke pasta dish with wine sauce.  It is heavenly tasting, and I put three containers away for lunches this week.  It will be nice to take something delicious to work!
5.  I've been eating up the rest of my homemade granola (love the coconut especially).  It's almost gone, but it proved to be the perfect after zumba snack. 
So I'm food obsessed.  What can I say? I looked through a cookbook this afternoon and see that there are so many things I don't know how to cook, so many recipes I want to try, and I suppose little by little I'll keep trying new recipes and remembering the ones I love. 

Friendship quote

I've been reading a sweet little book on friendship and wanted to share this one with you.  It warms my heart deeply.  It's a good one for reflection.

"I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend."
-  Thomas Jefferson

Many of my friends are very different from me, and yet, I remain increasingly grateful for differences aside and the friendship that remains.  It is an unspeakable gift. 

Good Morning, Lord!

Good Morning, Lord!

Thank You for another day of life.  Lord, thank You for the five senses You've given to me which I easily take for granted...
the ability to see the colors of the sky, cute, fat babies, stars, lines, glory.
the ability to taste food- Lord, You know how I enjoy this!
the ability to touch... to feel fabrics, to lay my hands on my friends, warm embraces.  Lord, You brought someone into my life whose skin actually BURNED and could not get under a shower without hurting, could not wash her clothes without an ordeal, could not hug me without risk of pain.  Thank You, Lord.
the ability to smell... This morning I have my coffee brewing, and this weekend I smelled amazing aromas from fresh, organic foods grilled on mesquite wood.  Thank You for the smell of perfumes, colognes, lemons, flowers, sweat, life!
the ability to hear... cellos, violins, pianos, voices.  To hear the feeling in their words, the intonations and echoes.  Thank You, Lord, for music and the birds singing, chickens wake-up call, coyotes howling, javelinas growling!, buzzards buzzing... so many sounds, Lord.  Thank You.  Thank You Lord for the beauty of Your people lifting praises to You throughout this world! I love You!
There is so much more I have to be thankful for, this is just a drop of Your blessings, Lord.  Open up my heart, Jesus, and let me see and feel and know and appreciate all Your good gifts. 

Sharing is Caring

One of the joys of my settlement in Arizona has been friends visiting from cold places in which I used to live.  I already consider this year the best of my life because of these beautiful experiences.  Not only do I get to see more of the place I'm living now, but I also get to reconnect to friends and make memories. 
I absolutely love playing host.  I guess I discovered this in Maine when I started to host little dinner parties, potlucks, and enjoyed bringing an eclectic group of people together.  I am not an over the top hostess.  I'm not about fancy china or even table placements.  My motto has been and imagine will continue to be until the day I die- comfort. 
The last group of guests I hosted were a busy group.  We weren't actually at home much, and there was no real chance for me to get my cook on for them.  I did bake a bunch of muffins in advance, though, and I was pleased that they loved them.  They packed them on our road trips; pumpkin chocolate chip muffins.  My freezer is filled with them again:

 

I am hosting a special guest again this weekend, and I will have an opportunity to cook and feed, and I've already started getting ready.  I made this fabulous pie from the Pioneer Woman- butter, whole milk, quality chocolate, good vanilla, egg yolks, cornstarch, sugar...  It is delicious.  How do I know this? There was leftover chocolate pudding and I decided to go ahead and you know, indulge myself.  It tasted decadent.  Truly decadent.  Rich and heavenly... very different from manufactured pudding.  It was my first time making this pie but I doubt it will be my last time! There was a wonderful magical moment where the pudding got thick, and after pulling the pot off the stove, watching the chocolate melt was heart thumping! Here's my chocolate pie... without the whipped cream and raspberries!

 

 

 

 

I also made ahead (and just ate a refreshing bowl for lunch) of my Greek Lemon Chicken Soup.  It is so good and very simple.  Chicken broth, condensed cream of chicken soup, fresh squeezed lemon juice, lemon rind, diced chicken, rice... I'm into this soup big time.  I know I go through phases of loving various foods, but to me, this is such a nutritious and tasty soup.  I will try it soon with egg yolks and orzo.  It's good and making my home smell pretty cozy, too. 

 

 

 

Relax this weekend, my friends.  Drink in some peace and serenity.  Share some good food.  Reach out and smile.  Show some love.  Extend some hospitality and receive it back.  :) Lots of love.