Tucson and Many Good Things

Today was such a good day.  To be honest, I have been feeling wonderfully content and happy lately.  I feel like the last few months I've had a tough road, but I'm feeling settled in, at home, and with purpose.  I was holding on tightly to the nostalgia of Maine without fully embracing and recognizing the things I have to gain right here.  I've realized that no matter where I have lived, I have found beauty, stories, lessons. 

We went bowling at work today which was so much fun.  I loved seeing the smiles on the faces of the participants that realize that they can do it by themselves and that they are capable of awesome scores.  It was great fun.  I think field trips are one of my favorite parts of the job, sharing experiences and fun moments. 

Another exciting thing that happened is I started doing some research on future goals.  I want to be able to host my friend Naomi well when she comes to visit in January.  I've started researching car rentals, adventure ideas, etc., and it will be possible for me to rent a car for the week! I am looking forward to her visit so much.  I'm also looking into going back to school at University of Arizona to get my TEFL certificate.  It is a 100 hour class which would last approximately two months.  I want to do it! I may not be able to do it until next year, but I am excited about the plan and dream.  Goals are so important, yes? Yes!

After work I went to the bank to deposit some checks and I decided to spontaneously get my hair cut.  I just got it trimmed.   It has been months since I had a trim and probably a year since I had any kind of hair dye in it.  It feels good (and cheaper) to go natural, and it was such a nice treat to get it shaped up and styled.  The women in the salon were amazed that I had moved to Tucson all by myself from out of state.  They were nice- their quaint little beauty salon was decorated with all kinds of  Thanksgiving decorations.  I also got my eyebrows waxed for ten dollars.  The lady asked me "It's been awhile, huh?" It's so relaxing to have your head scrubbed up well by another person, and I always feel so much better after a wax.

What also made this day great? Leftovers that I made last night and heated up tonight- spicy turkey chili and a fresh batch of homemade guacamole and chips.  Yummy. 

I went to my thrift store and discovered that they had CHRISTMAS TREES and all kinds of CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.  I didn't let myself go crazy, but I did allow myself to buy a Christmas tree.   I didn't think I would get one this year because they are so expensive, but lo and behold I found a Christmas tree for five dollars! I'm starting to get excited about Christmas! Pretty soon I will be pulling out the Christmas records and sending out my cards...

Today was a good day.  Maybe it was the crispness in the air mixed with the bright sunshine or the fact that they turned my heat on or I noticed Brent's smile...

I have much to be thankful for right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brittany

When I was a young teenager I desperately wanted to make money of my own so that I could buy a guitar.  A nice guitar.  I decided to try babysitting since I wasn't old enough to get legally employed.  I handed out fliers all throughout my neighborhood and got many calls. 

I remember my first Friday night being picked up by Brittany's dad, John, and meeting Brittany for the first time.  She was shy but presented me with a piece of colored art, hugged me, and I noticed her brown hair, brown eyes, and polite manner.  She was an only child with a 40ish year old dad that was busy with a car dealership and a new step mom that was teeny tiny, a substitute teacher that sometimes blended in with the elementary kids.  Her name was Jill and she was 25.  Believe it or not, she seemed kind of old to me back then. 

I ended up becoming a regular at the Howerton home.  Every Friday night and sometimes Friday and Saturday night I would plan on being picked up to "babysit" Brittany.  I enjoyed myself thoroughly.  I loved spending time with Brittany- we watched movies, ate together, talked, and I remember singing and dancing with her to Mariah Carey's "Hero".  I also remember her asthma treatments and tucking her in to bed.  To me, time before bed is the sweetest with kids.  They are so tender and innocent, so dreamy and imaginative, so vulnerable to their hurts and pains.  Brittany was a fun, beautiful girl, but I also felt she was lonely.  She lived in a big home as an only child with a new step mom that was learning how to parent, and she missed her mother.  Her mother was fighting her own demons at the time of alcoholism, and I think that was very tough on Britt.  She confided in me about her mom and also about how weird it was to have a step mom that looked like she was Britt's nine year old size.  She also loved having her back rubbed at night.

I was just a young teenager at the time, and I suppose I was also very lonely myself.  I was also living in a home where I felt alone and with parents that I didn't understand.  I honestly don't have a lot of memories or recollection of my life before 20, but I still can see Brittany- meeting her for the first time- peeking out with her crayons and papers. 

All of these years I have thought of her and how fun it would be to find her again and reconnect.  I could find her on facebook and see the beautiful woman she has become.  I figured she was married, had a boyfriend, maybe children, had a very bright future.  I have looked for her and this weekend I did a more thorough research.  What I discovered was heart wrenching.  I cried and cried.  Brittany died at age 18 shortly after graduating from Riverdale High School.  I have reached out to the parents to express my sympathy and memories, but I haven't heard anything from them yet.  I just wanted to share how blessed I feel that I knew and loved Brittany.  She opened my life to the heart of caring for a child and that has been such a gift to me.  She was the very beginning of something special to me.

I have been thinking about her death at 18 and my life at 18 up until now, 35.  Sometimes I feel very down on myself, but I am thankful for the life I've lived and sorry that Brittany did not experience more.  Since the age of 18, I have enjoyed so many precious friendships, travels, adventures, loves, growth, failures, education, service, work, beauty.  Brittany did not have the opportunity to grow into being a woman, possibly grow more into being herself. 
Even though I only knew Brittany when she was around 9-10 years of age, I miss her and miss knowing that she's out there in this world living her life. 

Food and Farming

Sometimes I miss my farming days.  I realize as I write this that it sounds like my farming days were many, but I only farmed for a season.  It was the first time I grew anything in my life.  I learned so much working that season at the farm that it's almost hard to put it into words.  I think I almost feel certain things in my life are so sacred that I don't want to expose them to everyone, and sometimes I like to sit with things for a long time and process.  This is why, I suppose, we have so many stories to tell when we are in our rockers. 

I'm still wrestling with what makes me tick, what I love, what I want to do with my one precious life.  I've taken many roads and discovered lots of things I despised- labs with no windows, piles of mice, helping a dentist, cleaning up toilets, ringing people up at a convenience store.  I'm sure I could think of plenty more.  It's not that I'm too good for those jobs, but it's that I've done them for survival and would love to expand myself.  Farming is something that has stuck with me as something I love. 

One thing that brings people to a farm, I believe, is a love of food.  Good farmers eat well.  I learned again the joy of simple meals- back when cellars, canning, storage and preservation were always in style.  The managers of the farm, Steve and Cindy, were brilliant, industrious, true Mainers.  I admired the way they had built a home for themselves, made their own wine, and at any point might have thirty or forty jars of jams/jellies on hand.  They never wanted to go out to eat, because they cooked everything better.  How can one person hold so much knowledge, skill, craft? Cindy had elaborate, elegant handwriting, and I could easily picture her in older school teaching days dressed to the nines and in heels.  She still had such class in her blue jeans, straw hat, and blue eyes.  Steve, a retired chemist, knew weather patterns, garlic weaving, sheep skinning, and a million other things.  He also had a wicked dry sense of humor.  Every day was a treat because these people were my managers.  We gabbed about the rich people in Northeast Harbor, about all the kids at COA that look like they don't have money but are little trust fund babies.  I learned a little bit about their life and outlook every day.  They were against technology, and they felt for farmers.  My awareness of how hard farming is grew, and I wanted to support the small man more than ever.  I learned so much from these people and the other people I worked with at the farm- Richie, Derek, David, Sarah, Bridgette and Rebecca. 

I gathered eggs from the chickens, cleaned out chicken coops, mothered chicks and baby turkeys and watched them grow and unfold.  I saw Richie drum his Indian beats and get them excited.  I watched the beauty of a mother Hen shield and protect her babies literally right under her wings, keeping them warm and safe.  We checked on the sheep every day and I saw how stupid they are in their ways.  They follow in a pack, bumping heads, easily frightened, but they recognize the familiar voice.  It was a beautiful picture of Christ, the Shepherd, and I, the sheep.  There's nothing like seeing it for yourself and experiencing the "metaphor". 

I loved watering the plants, planting tomatoes, cucumbers (HUGE), lettuce (so many kinds), carrots, radishes, basil, parsley, lavender, potatoes, beans (my absolute favorite to pick!) I loved the purple beans and raw! We also grew kale, spinach (fresh spinach!), carrots, beets,  kohlrabi (a beautiful vegetable that was new to me- purple and green in our greenhouse), squash, pumpkins, berries, rosemary, and on and on.  The work was hard, and it rained a lot that summer, but I loved being outside, working in the sun, being free, learning about something I've always dreamed about doing and in my blood.

I remember feeling how I could never go back to the grocery store and see it the same way while I was at the farm.  Just as I feel a person is "ruined" after they've lived on the coast, I feel "ruined" by fresh eggs, fresh everything! Every time I go to the grocery store and pick up eggs, I feel a little disappointed, and I miss my farming days.  I learned from Steve and Cindy how a good meal can consist of a simple side like pickles- that's the way people used to eat.  They preserved the fresh vegetables for out of season times, so they could still eat gloriously healthy foods. 

I am getting older.  We all are.  I know my body aches and pains only increase with time, but I do enjoy the physical labor involved with farming.  I like being worn out at the end of the day.  I like working through things in my soul as I weed, plant, water, restore.  I also know that farming is a difficult job.  I feel I connect most to the land, not the city.  I connect most to nature, not the rat race.
I experienced farming, and I've been ruined.

Weekend

It is Monday morning, and I am up early.  One irritation at AmeriCorps Arts for All is that my schedule changes weekly.  I get used to waking up at 6 am and the next week I don't have to be there till 10.  We have to be flexible. 
This weekend I rested.  I feel like the attempted break in wiped me out more than I realized.  Not only did I not get much sleep, but I was emotionally exhausted too.  I rested a lot this weekend, but I also did the following:

1) I worked my Saturday job and put the turtles into hibernation, covered with a blanket and sleeping bag.  I also did a lot of other miscellaneous jobs, but that was probably the highlight- or most interesting.

2) I made a lot of food.  I made myself a delicious smoothie- adding a scoop of peanut butter.  So good! I also made cucumber salad, letting it saturate for at least 3 hours in the fridge with vinegar, water, sugar, salt, and pepper.  I made my go to black bean salad, mac and cheese, and a delicious salad. 

3) I lit candles and slept.

4) I applied to a seasonal job at the Tucson Mall.  I applied to two places- See's Candies and Hickory Farms.  I'm excited to work a lot through the season, be around people, and make some extra money.  I hope I hear from someone today.  If not, I'll get myself back in there. 

5) Rachel Ray- I watched some of her shows.  She is pretty great!

Thursday Morning

Thursday morning at 1:14 I awoke to a shadow next to my bedroom window.  I had been hearing noise (typical) but I awoke because this noise was getting closer to me.  I caught a glimpse of a short, thin man dark skinned (Asian, African American, Hispanic- not sure) working fiercely on my bedroom window. 
I reached for my phone and called a friend.  What do I do? Luckily I have some smart friends, and he instructed me to call 911 immediately.  I did and the police came in a matter of minutes.  The man disappeared and then I caught a glimpse of him again on my patio.  While talking to the operator, I fell into a panic.  My heart started racing, and my thoughts were racing. 
The police came with blinding lights, and both of the gentlemen walked up to my door to ask for some information.  My window was damaged- the screen had been ripped into and was hanging by a loose thread. 
Two hours later I awoke to more voices outside my window.  I couldn't sleep and was sensitive to every little sound.  I looked out my window and saw that the cops had returned with someone in the back seat.  The man was pounding his feet in the back of the car, and the cops were shining a light on him.  I hoped it was the guy who had damaged my window.  A few minutes later one of the cops came up my stairs to tell me that they found the guy and I could press charges.  Yes!
The next day I went to my apartment complex to turn in the police report and see about getting my window fixed and locks checked.
Psalm 91 verse 5- "You will not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day."
I want to refuge in You, Lord.  Hide me under Your wings.
I'll be honest, this shook me up pretty badly and I haven't had the most sound sleep or pleasant dreams.  My heart goes out to people that have experienced more than what I did- rape, assault, burglary.  It is scary stuff, but I learned to respond better.  Next time (if this happens) I'll immediately call 911, and I will continue to trust deeper in the Lord's protection and peace. 
I am so thankful for people that risk their own safety for mine, cops who work late long hours, go over details, and truly fight injustice.  I've never been so grateful!