This weekend the bus workers of the city of Tucson are negotiating their new contract. I talked to one of my favorite drivers yesterday and he was telling me how the garbage men/women make more than he does. He said and I'm taking care of people, not garbage. I agree, but I am also in favor of the garbage folks making a good amount. Come on! That's an awful smelly, not so glamorous job. But I also see his point. As someone who once helped people in wheelchairs get around, I found it extremely stressful to make sure they were safe. On top of that, the bus riders of Tucson are not an easy bunch. On more than one occasion, I've thought to myself, "I could never do this job in a million years." Not only do I have trouble parking a small vehicle, but I would not want to be entrusted with so many people's safety and all the issues that abound. One morning, on the way to work, a man spilled alcohol all over the bus and some of it dripped onto me. Way to make a great impression on my first week of work!
Tucson is known for its drugs, its violence, and that being said, the bus system attracts many of these types. I've been a bus rider in Tucson now for a year, and let me just say, it hasn't always been very pleasant or felt very safe. At the same time, I'm also extremely grateful because it's enabled me to get around when my bike was stolen, when I was too exhausted to pedal, and when the distance was too great in the desert heat. I'm reliant on the system for everything now.
The comforting thing is that I'm not alone. There are parents that need the bus system to get their kids to school or the doctor. There are fresh young U of A kids that are needing the bus to go to Starbucks, work, or a nightclub. I don't know- we all have needs! There are the disabled and elderly that need the bus because they are alone and can't drive anymore. They need to buy groceries and get to the doctor.
I am working with a wonderful temp agency that has helped me find work the last few months, and I am having to wait till this negotiation is over to apply to more jobs. There could be a strike over salary, over safety. But I feel that it's good timing on my end as I just finished one job and want to start a temp to hire job. I pray if it does happen it doesn't last too long. How could it? And I feel thankful for a little time off. What money I had in savings for a car will have to be used up, but I am not giving up. I will rest and recover and get back to work. That is the goal and that is my hope.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Cecil
I am sad about Cecil's death. I know thousands of people are also feeling sad. I am so off put by an educated American man who would go to another country and kill a majestic lion. I don't care if it's famous or not- it's a lion! I've been thinking about this a lot, and it stirs in me feelings to help --work at a reserve, an elephant orphanage, do something!
I am sad that human beings don't seem to value life much- so why would they value such a precious animal?
When I was working one summer in Yellowstone Park, I risked the danger signs of a prominent bear region and enjoyed hiking it alone. It was a large open meadow trail with stunning flowers and wild beauty. As I was ending my hike, I saw a bear in close proximity walking the other direction from me. We were parallel for a moment, but then we passed each other. I remember being a bit scared, pausing, and then feeling absolute wonder and amazement. It is a memory that will always be special to me. I realized that I was in the bear's world, and this was not my world. It was humbling and wonderful. It sounds kind of simplistic and silly, but I never want to forget the feeling.
My thinking is that the cocky dentist feels that the world is his, and unfortunately, he is a severe embarrassment. The world is not his, and it is not ours. And in killing the lion, he killed a reflection of God's glory.
I am sad that human beings don't seem to value life much- so why would they value such a precious animal?
When I was working one summer in Yellowstone Park, I risked the danger signs of a prominent bear region and enjoyed hiking it alone. It was a large open meadow trail with stunning flowers and wild beauty. As I was ending my hike, I saw a bear in close proximity walking the other direction from me. We were parallel for a moment, but then we passed each other. I remember being a bit scared, pausing, and then feeling absolute wonder and amazement. It is a memory that will always be special to me. I realized that I was in the bear's world, and this was not my world. It was humbling and wonderful. It sounds kind of simplistic and silly, but I never want to forget the feeling.
My thinking is that the cocky dentist feels that the world is his, and unfortunately, he is a severe embarrassment. The world is not his, and it is not ours. And in killing the lion, he killed a reflection of God's glory.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Swimming
I just got back from the pool. I would have swam longer, but I could feel the sun turning me more layers of darkness. I've gone so many years without wearing sunscreen, and even now, I almost always forget to apply it. I wear a floppy hat everywhere, but still a girl at work joked I could blend in with her Mexican kids. Oh how I know that this is not good!
Like so many things, I discovered a love for swimming later in life. I went to a college that insisted on a swim test to graduate, because many of the "poor Appalachian kids" had never seen water hid in between those beautiful mountains. I also heard that many of the African students would jump in not realizing the depths of the water- never experiencing a pool. I decided to take the swim class and our instructor led us out into the water holding hands and singing Kumbya. I thought it was hilarious.
I was always so uncomfortable and self conscious in a swimsuit, and I remember jumping into the pool only to have my top come flying off in that same swim class. I was mortified. I was an okay swimmer, but I was always hiding and trying to not be seen. Even as a child I remember swimming in a pool and a boy asking me, "Why are you swimming with your tshirt on?" I was so incredibly self conscious.
I fell in love with swimming in Maine. I suppose Maine is a totally different world than say L.A., and I lost most all my self consciousness because the beauty and fun of it were too enormous for me. I loved the strength I found in swimming to rocks to rest and relax, and I enjoyed swimming across a pond to rest on a deck. It thrilled me to look out upon the green trees, study the clouds, hear the birds, and swim with all my strength. I slept hard and well, and I didn't shower as much... I also breathed better and felt stronger. And over time, something happened to all that self consciousness. I didn't care who saw me or what they thought- I loved swimming and I didn't give a rip! I was strong and enjoying myself! I swam in the ocean and skinny dipped one night all alone behind trees and invisible to others. It is a fantastic feeling. I swam in Maine's cleanest ponds and most pristine rivers, and I swam for exercise, mental health, stress reduction, and because I found it refreshing and fun.
Now I am in Arizona and have a pool right behind my apartment and I'm still swimming. I swim laps now in a chlorine pool while I look up at palm trees and a blinding sun, but I still get a bit of nature and I'm getting stronger and feeling great. My favorite time to swim is when no one is there, but not because I'm self conscious- I enjoy having the space to not bump into people. I like my morning swims best of all. It feels like the perfect start to a day. As I think about "good days" I would definitely put swimming, hiking, biking, or a walk in it. Being in nature, even a small amount, changes my entire perspective and attitude.
Like so many things, I discovered a love for swimming later in life. I went to a college that insisted on a swim test to graduate, because many of the "poor Appalachian kids" had never seen water hid in between those beautiful mountains. I also heard that many of the African students would jump in not realizing the depths of the water- never experiencing a pool. I decided to take the swim class and our instructor led us out into the water holding hands and singing Kumbya. I thought it was hilarious.
I was always so uncomfortable and self conscious in a swimsuit, and I remember jumping into the pool only to have my top come flying off in that same swim class. I was mortified. I was an okay swimmer, but I was always hiding and trying to not be seen. Even as a child I remember swimming in a pool and a boy asking me, "Why are you swimming with your tshirt on?" I was so incredibly self conscious.
I fell in love with swimming in Maine. I suppose Maine is a totally different world than say L.A., and I lost most all my self consciousness because the beauty and fun of it were too enormous for me. I loved the strength I found in swimming to rocks to rest and relax, and I enjoyed swimming across a pond to rest on a deck. It thrilled me to look out upon the green trees, study the clouds, hear the birds, and swim with all my strength. I slept hard and well, and I didn't shower as much... I also breathed better and felt stronger. And over time, something happened to all that self consciousness. I didn't care who saw me or what they thought- I loved swimming and I didn't give a rip! I was strong and enjoying myself! I swam in the ocean and skinny dipped one night all alone behind trees and invisible to others. It is a fantastic feeling. I swam in Maine's cleanest ponds and most pristine rivers, and I swam for exercise, mental health, stress reduction, and because I found it refreshing and fun.
Now I am in Arizona and have a pool right behind my apartment and I'm still swimming. I swim laps now in a chlorine pool while I look up at palm trees and a blinding sun, but I still get a bit of nature and I'm getting stronger and feeling great. My favorite time to swim is when no one is there, but not because I'm self conscious- I enjoy having the space to not bump into people. I like my morning swims best of all. It feels like the perfect start to a day. As I think about "good days" I would definitely put swimming, hiking, biking, or a walk in it. Being in nature, even a small amount, changes my entire perspective and attitude.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Weekend Realization
This weekend has been tough. Even though I'm 36 and feel like I've been through my share of life's ups and downs, I'm in deep adult waters right now. The child in me is scared, afraid, and sad. Friday, after finishing up my full time 3 month temp position, I went for a swim. After I had swam a few laps and was relaxing a bit, a young lady entered the pool with a peaceful aura and friendly manner. I told her, "You're a good swimmer. I can't do the butterfly." We talked a little bit about swimming, and then she looked over at me and asked, "How are you doing today?" I looked at her puzzled and surprised that a human was caring about how I was doing today and overwhelmed because I couldn't respond. I smiled softly and got out of the pool. It stirred something inside of me, and quite bluntly, I realized I'm not okay.
I slept for a long time to recover some energy that evening, and I've done laundry and eaten well. I went for another swim and have started my research.
I have faith that my temp agency will find me work. I already have a part time gig lined up for the coming week, and I can only be hopeful about finding more work. But it's been tough to work in a toxic environment with "mean girls" this last week. I've felt invisible.
The adult stuff? Giving up things, having patience, being strong for the person I love that is sick, and taking care of my self which I must start doing better.
This week I am going to my first Al-Non meeting, and I'm going to begin the search for a counselor of my own. I'm also getting books to help me understand addiction and what it's truly like.
I have made some mistakes, and I accept that I am human. Still, I want to be strong and do the right thing so that the seeds I plant now through my actions will reap something better in the end. It's hard to care for someone so much and want so much for them to be healthy, but to accept that you can't control their behavior and motivations.
I am trying very hard to be strong and good, but this weekend I realized I need help too.
I slept for a long time to recover some energy that evening, and I've done laundry and eaten well. I went for another swim and have started my research.
I have faith that my temp agency will find me work. I already have a part time gig lined up for the coming week, and I can only be hopeful about finding more work. But it's been tough to work in a toxic environment with "mean girls" this last week. I've felt invisible.
The adult stuff? Giving up things, having patience, being strong for the person I love that is sick, and taking care of my self which I must start doing better.
This week I am going to my first Al-Non meeting, and I'm going to begin the search for a counselor of my own. I'm also getting books to help me understand addiction and what it's truly like.
I have made some mistakes, and I accept that I am human. Still, I want to be strong and do the right thing so that the seeds I plant now through my actions will reap something better in the end. It's hard to care for someone so much and want so much for them to be healthy, but to accept that you can't control their behavior and motivations.
I am trying very hard to be strong and good, but this weekend I realized I need help too.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Today
Today I am thinking about words like inconvenience, annoyance, invisible, not important, obligation.
Love cancels all these words. Love is present and powerful, ready to save, include, affirm, and see.
It's a strange world, because it operates opposite.
Give me a heart to love more like You- today, and every day.
Help me to resist the sighs, to make the extra efforts, to see the people around me as rare treasures, and to never operate out of exasperation.
Love cancels all these words. Love is present and powerful, ready to save, include, affirm, and see.
It's a strange world, because it operates opposite.
Give me a heart to love more like You- today, and every day.
Help me to resist the sighs, to make the extra efforts, to see the people around me as rare treasures, and to never operate out of exasperation.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Things I'd Like to Try!
Sometimes I feel like I can grow stagnant, and at times likes these, I like to think about the things I'd like to accomplish, learn, or still do in my life.
Here are a few of those things:
1. Make jewelry. I really enjoy gifts that are hand made, and I have long wanted to learn how to do some of these things. My quilts made by my Grandma and a dear cherished friend are among my most beloved possessions. I also cherish the earrings that have been given to me that my friends have made specifically with me in mind, and the necklaces I've received from friends (and Leland!) that are hand crafted. I have several crosses, a necklace called Sunshine, and beaded symmetrical Navajo style necklaces. I adore them. Earrings are probably my favorite and friends encourage and tell me that it's not that difficult- watch youtube, very few things needed, and then wah- lah! I love the idea of playing with colors, being creative, and giving a gift that I made myself!
2. Learn how to play chess. I don't have a clue how to play chess, and it looks really interesting to me. I like that it's a thinking game. I loved the movie King of Life about the ex convict who redeemed his life and started a chess club for inner city kids. It inspired me. I wonder how learning chess could help me think better? I would love to learn.
3. Visit the De Grazia Gallery in the Sun and go on a tour of the land, etc.,
4. Have a yard sale! I don't have a yard, but perhaps I could use someone else's yard or combine with someone else to make it happen. I'm thinking fall, when things cool down a bit...
5. Watch the VHS's I have on New York City. PBS Documentary.
There are so many more things, but this is a start! Here's to life and growing and living and learning and expanding!
Here are a few of those things:
1. Make jewelry. I really enjoy gifts that are hand made, and I have long wanted to learn how to do some of these things. My quilts made by my Grandma and a dear cherished friend are among my most beloved possessions. I also cherish the earrings that have been given to me that my friends have made specifically with me in mind, and the necklaces I've received from friends (and Leland!) that are hand crafted. I have several crosses, a necklace called Sunshine, and beaded symmetrical Navajo style necklaces. I adore them. Earrings are probably my favorite and friends encourage and tell me that it's not that difficult- watch youtube, very few things needed, and then wah- lah! I love the idea of playing with colors, being creative, and giving a gift that I made myself!
2. Learn how to play chess. I don't have a clue how to play chess, and it looks really interesting to me. I like that it's a thinking game. I loved the movie King of Life about the ex convict who redeemed his life and started a chess club for inner city kids. It inspired me. I wonder how learning chess could help me think better? I would love to learn.
3. Visit the De Grazia Gallery in the Sun and go on a tour of the land, etc.,
4. Have a yard sale! I don't have a yard, but perhaps I could use someone else's yard or combine with someone else to make it happen. I'm thinking fall, when things cool down a bit...
5. Watch the VHS's I have on New York City. PBS Documentary.
There are so many more things, but this is a start! Here's to life and growing and living and learning and expanding!
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Little Adventures
I decided to jump on the band wagon and am oil pulling. I've started using coconut oil in my hair, on my body, in my cooking, so now it's in my mouth. Day one is done. I'll update you later. It feels good and clean. Also, I'm going to look into getting a cleaning through El Rio Dental Clinic this week. It's been too long. Here's to oral health. This is the month!
I went shopping with my friend Libby last night at Trader Joes and I managed to not keep her waiting but one minute. I bought a good amount of food and fixed battered halibut and fresh cantaloupe today, and I resisted the temptation to buy cards. This was a budget victory! Still I did buy some non essentials like buffalo jerky and sour cream cheese puffs. Trader Joes gets me every time.
I've been doing a little Netflix binging. I hate to admit it, but that's the truth. Does it help that I've been sick? I discovered Grace and Frankie, a new sitcom, and have loved watching it. Jane Fonda is great! I never thought I liked her, but I see why she is so popular. I can't believe how great she looks at 74. WOW. Anyway, it's pretty funny. I've discovered that youtube offers a ton of free Jane Fonda work outs. I'm going to try them out- I'm so tired of my slouching and bad posture. I am hoping that a little yoga will inspire me to be more straight.
I went shopping with my friend Libby last night at Trader Joes and I managed to not keep her waiting but one minute. I bought a good amount of food and fixed battered halibut and fresh cantaloupe today, and I resisted the temptation to buy cards. This was a budget victory! Still I did buy some non essentials like buffalo jerky and sour cream cheese puffs. Trader Joes gets me every time.
I've been doing a little Netflix binging. I hate to admit it, but that's the truth. Does it help that I've been sick? I discovered Grace and Frankie, a new sitcom, and have loved watching it. Jane Fonda is great! I never thought I liked her, but I see why she is so popular. I can't believe how great she looks at 74. WOW. Anyway, it's pretty funny. I've discovered that youtube offers a ton of free Jane Fonda work outs. I'm going to try them out- I'm so tired of my slouching and bad posture. I am hoping that a little yoga will inspire me to be more straight.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Recovery Road
I called in sick today, still weak and pathetic, and I slept till noon. I woke up still feeling weak but less so. I baked myself a potato in the oven for 1.5 hours and enjoyed my simple lunch. I drank over 3 gallons of water- I think part of my sickness was heat exhaustion.
I did go out - I made it to my gym to cancel my membership. I love my gym, love my classes, but I'm tired of paying for it. I'm also smart enough to know that I can exercise without a gym. I hope to make the effort. I need to pick up some cheap dumb bells
I also went to Target for Gatorade and applesauce...
I read more of Love Does by Bob Goff- laughing, crying, and prolonging the reading of the last chapter. I don't want it to end. It really does come down to love. I appreciate how he lives and how accessible he makes himself to people of all types. He gets past all the Christianese and awakens me to the gift of life that God is calling me to now... and whimsical love! He included his phone number in the book as well as his address on his website! I want to write him, but I have to figure out what to say first.
I walked to the fancy Mexican restaurant where I have applied to work before. I'm looking for a second job to save for a car. I applied first as a server but because I don't speak or comprehend Spanish- nay! So I went back willing to dish wash, host, bus, or whatever he might need. He gave me an application and I laid it on thick. I am so tired of applying to jobs in Tucson and no one ever calling me. I told him before I left that I hoped he would call me, and he told me that he would keep me in mind. It would be ideal for me- right next door, a fun environment, good Mexican food, and flexibility. One never knows what another is thinking, but at least I have a full time job so I'm not in panic mode. I want to be busy, making money, and saving for that car. I just have to keep at it, my eyes open on opportunities and ideas.
And maybe I'll go back and eat there soon as a reminder...
I did go out - I made it to my gym to cancel my membership. I love my gym, love my classes, but I'm tired of paying for it. I'm also smart enough to know that I can exercise without a gym. I hope to make the effort. I need to pick up some cheap dumb bells
I also went to Target for Gatorade and applesauce...
I read more of Love Does by Bob Goff- laughing, crying, and prolonging the reading of the last chapter. I don't want it to end. It really does come down to love. I appreciate how he lives and how accessible he makes himself to people of all types. He gets past all the Christianese and awakens me to the gift of life that God is calling me to now... and whimsical love! He included his phone number in the book as well as his address on his website! I want to write him, but I have to figure out what to say first.
I walked to the fancy Mexican restaurant where I have applied to work before. I'm looking for a second job to save for a car. I applied first as a server but because I don't speak or comprehend Spanish- nay! So I went back willing to dish wash, host, bus, or whatever he might need. He gave me an application and I laid it on thick. I am so tired of applying to jobs in Tucson and no one ever calling me. I told him before I left that I hoped he would call me, and he told me that he would keep me in mind. It would be ideal for me- right next door, a fun environment, good Mexican food, and flexibility. One never knows what another is thinking, but at least I have a full time job so I'm not in panic mode. I want to be busy, making money, and saving for that car. I just have to keep at it, my eyes open on opportunities and ideas.
And maybe I'll go back and eat there soon as a reminder...
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Down and then Up
Too much worrying, too much going, and not enough slow time. I got sick at work, on my lunch break, and immediately started having the chills. I feel miserable, but I also realize this is a gift to me. I finally have to focus completely on me, and I have no energy for anyone or anything else.
It's the first time I remember ever being so severely heart sick that it manifests in all the wonderful ways I love being sick- throwing up, the chills, etc.,
Time to go back to sleep.
It's the first time I remember ever being so severely heart sick that it manifests in all the wonderful ways I love being sick- throwing up, the chills, etc.,
Time to go back to sleep.
Monday, July 13, 2015
CAR
Today I felt trapped without a car. I have been pretty content this past year without a vehicle. I was sweaty by the time I got somewhere, but my legs were pretty damn muscular and strong! I figured my way around Tucson, preparing and planning for the miles, thankful for my simple lifestyle and the way riding helped me live more in my senses.
But today I am restless and I'm thankful for the restlessness, because it's motivating me to establish a goal for myself. I need a car, and I must budget and work harder to achieve this goal.
Here are the reasons I feel that I need to save and buy a car:
1) Safety reasons. It's not safe to be out in my neighborhood. Today I was out a few times in the day and there were so many creepers. I hate cat calling, and I know I would feel a lot safer in a car.
2) So I can go to the church of my choice!
3) So I can go hiking whenever I want and get the best exercise nature provides!
4) So I can go through the drive thru because I love drive- thru's
5) Time purposes. I wake up at 5am Monday thru Friday to catch my first bus out of two to get to work. I could sleep two hours later if I could drive myself.
6) I would have more job options and more options in general.
7) So I can buy more than one bag of grocery without the bag breaking.
8) So I can travel and see more of this state I live.
9) So when company comes to visit, I have a car to help them see where I live.
10)Because driving is a wonderful way to RELAX and THINK and DREAM!
So now I need to plan... how will I save for a car?
1) No eating out, no fancy drinks, no books, no entertainment (not even Netflix!) READ. I need and want to READ anyway, and I have plenty to read and enjoy. And plenty to enjoy on youtube, etc.,
2) Quit my gym membership. It's 21.00 / month, but that adds up and they add on 40.00 the beginning of November. I can- hopefully- hike more with Libby, swim frequently, and walk more.
3) Find a second job. I applied to three places this morning, and I am most interested in DD's which is just a mile from my house. They are hiring, and I will stay persistent in calling and reaching out to them. A second job could make a big difference in my saving.
4) Have a yard sale. I'm going to inquire about having a yard sale in front of my apartment complex on a Saturday. If not, I will try to find someone to have a joint sale with at some point.
5) Continue to use a cheap phone and get the basics, but find out if there are any ways in which my plan could be even cheaper.
But today I am restless and I'm thankful for the restlessness, because it's motivating me to establish a goal for myself. I need a car, and I must budget and work harder to achieve this goal.
Here are the reasons I feel that I need to save and buy a car:
1) Safety reasons. It's not safe to be out in my neighborhood. Today I was out a few times in the day and there were so many creepers. I hate cat calling, and I know I would feel a lot safer in a car.
2) So I can go to the church of my choice!
3) So I can go hiking whenever I want and get the best exercise nature provides!
4) So I can go through the drive thru because I love drive- thru's
5) Time purposes. I wake up at 5am Monday thru Friday to catch my first bus out of two to get to work. I could sleep two hours later if I could drive myself.
6) I would have more job options and more options in general.
7) So I can buy more than one bag of grocery without the bag breaking.
8) So I can travel and see more of this state I live.
9) So when company comes to visit, I have a car to help them see where I live.
10)Because driving is a wonderful way to RELAX and THINK and DREAM!
So now I need to plan... how will I save for a car?
1) No eating out, no fancy drinks, no books, no entertainment (not even Netflix!) READ. I need and want to READ anyway, and I have plenty to read and enjoy. And plenty to enjoy on youtube, etc.,
2) Quit my gym membership. It's 21.00 / month, but that adds up and they add on 40.00 the beginning of November. I can- hopefully- hike more with Libby, swim frequently, and walk more.
3) Find a second job. I applied to three places this morning, and I am most interested in DD's which is just a mile from my house. They are hiring, and I will stay persistent in calling and reaching out to them. A second job could make a big difference in my saving.
4) Have a yard sale. I'm going to inquire about having a yard sale in front of my apartment complex on a Saturday. If not, I will try to find someone to have a joint sale with at some point.
5) Continue to use a cheap phone and get the basics, but find out if there are any ways in which my plan could be even cheaper.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Navajo Praise
A couple weeks ago I got a call from my love's family members telling me that their father would be needing a foot amputation. I had met all the sisters but hadn't met L's father yet. L's mother died when he was twenty-five. I caught glimpses of his father through stories, which sounded legendary and great, and I saw pictures of a beautiful cowboy/Navajo man with his beloved horses. I knew about how tough and hard this man was- rising before the sun and working in a way that most people can't fathom, myself included. I wanted to meet him, and I wanted to be with the family during this hard time, so I booked myself a ticket through Sky Shuttle after the sisters invited me and told me that the airport (where my bus drop off would be) was very close to the hospital.
I imagined I would be able to be there for the day and maybe see my love for a couple hours. I felt a pressing need to be with the father, though, and I'm still so thankful that I made the trip. One of the sisters picked me up early that Thursday morning, and after a brief stop for burritos, we went to the hospital and found our man. The sister was busy on the phone, so I went right to his side and he grabbed hold of my hand tight and firm and wouldn't let me go. I sat down beside him and started to cry a river of tears. I looked at this man and began to feel the enormity of what was happening to him. He was losing his foot, one that had traveled miles on horse, worked the land, and been strong and vital in so many ways. And I could see that this man had already been through so much. He didn't have his left arm because a bus ran over him, and he only had 30 percent vision in one eye. In the other eye, he was completely blind. I also knew he had dementia, but that morning, he was bright and talkative. He talked to me about his sheep, and how he missed his home up north on the Reservation. He told me, "home makes me feel good." He told me about how he loved his sisters and brothers, and how he loved his son.
He called me pretty, which touched my heart. And he had such a grateful heart. He kept saying how much he appreciated everyone's support and love. He told me, "You've got to keep pedaling. Gotta stay on the bicycle." Those simple words blessed me, and I keep them close to my heart still. I think to myself, just keep pedaling, just keep going. I thought that was brilliant advice. If you fall off the bicycle, get back up and keep on pedaling. Obviously, he was a man that had lived this advice. He had more than one serious injury with horses in his life, one involving a horse stomping his femur, but he kept on keeping on. Often, I was told, he was injured and no one ever found out until he had a life threating issue and the doctors would find other broken parts in his body.
He was elated when the sweet and glowing Chaplin came in with her rosaries for all of us and prayed over Leonard. She soothed his heart and all of ours too, and then she asked if she could give him a kiss. I decided to sing to him, even though I am not the best singer. I sang what I could remember, which isn't much, but I always can remember "Amazing Grace". Once I started singing Leonard lit up and began to sing along and before I knew it, he was singing back to me in his native Navajo tongue "Amazing Grace". It was beautiful. I wish I had had a tape recorder. Later one of the sisters gave me a phone and we sang along to "Love Lifted Me", "I Saw the Light", "Lord, I Hope this Day is Good". It was sweet to see the son and father bonding with song, with prayer. When the son raised his hands in prayer, the father wanted to do the same. He kept smiling at me through it all. One time, however, he told me that I was making him cry with my music... or maybe my singing?
Before I left I stopped by to say goodbye. One day visit had turned into a four day stay, and I had bonded with this dear and precious man. I went to kiss him and love on him, and I told him how I loved him. I told him in Navajo, and he said back to me in English, "I love you too" with a big smile. It melted my heart. There was such purity and love.
All of his children were present during his time in the hospital, watching over him and making sure that he was never alone. I could not help but think how fortunate he was to have such loving children that would sneak him bites of their burrito and give him a Sprite and make sure he was comfortable. It was touching to see, and I was thankful to be part of it. Some extended members stopped by as well as friends. Family members called on the phone to speak with him. Sometimes we forget, but I can't help but wonder if his surgery would have been as successful without all the love?
I imagined I would be able to be there for the day and maybe see my love for a couple hours. I felt a pressing need to be with the father, though, and I'm still so thankful that I made the trip. One of the sisters picked me up early that Thursday morning, and after a brief stop for burritos, we went to the hospital and found our man. The sister was busy on the phone, so I went right to his side and he grabbed hold of my hand tight and firm and wouldn't let me go. I sat down beside him and started to cry a river of tears. I looked at this man and began to feel the enormity of what was happening to him. He was losing his foot, one that had traveled miles on horse, worked the land, and been strong and vital in so many ways. And I could see that this man had already been through so much. He didn't have his left arm because a bus ran over him, and he only had 30 percent vision in one eye. In the other eye, he was completely blind. I also knew he had dementia, but that morning, he was bright and talkative. He talked to me about his sheep, and how he missed his home up north on the Reservation. He told me, "home makes me feel good." He told me about how he loved his sisters and brothers, and how he loved his son.
He called me pretty, which touched my heart. And he had such a grateful heart. He kept saying how much he appreciated everyone's support and love. He told me, "You've got to keep pedaling. Gotta stay on the bicycle." Those simple words blessed me, and I keep them close to my heart still. I think to myself, just keep pedaling, just keep going. I thought that was brilliant advice. If you fall off the bicycle, get back up and keep on pedaling. Obviously, he was a man that had lived this advice. He had more than one serious injury with horses in his life, one involving a horse stomping his femur, but he kept on keeping on. Often, I was told, he was injured and no one ever found out until he had a life threating issue and the doctors would find other broken parts in his body.
He was elated when the sweet and glowing Chaplin came in with her rosaries for all of us and prayed over Leonard. She soothed his heart and all of ours too, and then she asked if she could give him a kiss. I decided to sing to him, even though I am not the best singer. I sang what I could remember, which isn't much, but I always can remember "Amazing Grace". Once I started singing Leonard lit up and began to sing along and before I knew it, he was singing back to me in his native Navajo tongue "Amazing Grace". It was beautiful. I wish I had had a tape recorder. Later one of the sisters gave me a phone and we sang along to "Love Lifted Me", "I Saw the Light", "Lord, I Hope this Day is Good". It was sweet to see the son and father bonding with song, with prayer. When the son raised his hands in prayer, the father wanted to do the same. He kept smiling at me through it all. One time, however, he told me that I was making him cry with my music... or maybe my singing?
Before I left I stopped by to say goodbye. One day visit had turned into a four day stay, and I had bonded with this dear and precious man. I went to kiss him and love on him, and I told him how I loved him. I told him in Navajo, and he said back to me in English, "I love you too" with a big smile. It melted my heart. There was such purity and love.
All of his children were present during his time in the hospital, watching over him and making sure that he was never alone. I could not help but think how fortunate he was to have such loving children that would sneak him bites of their burrito and give him a Sprite and make sure he was comfortable. It was touching to see, and I was thankful to be part of it. Some extended members stopped by as well as friends. Family members called on the phone to speak with him. Sometimes we forget, but I can't help but wonder if his surgery would have been as successful without all the love?
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