Today was a good day. I woke up bright and early. I wanted to start the new week fresh, so I cleaned and scrubbed up the apartment and organized. I made a noble attempt to be an energetic lady, and my priority was getting to church.
Thank God for kind souls that offer rides when bus strikes and hot days continue. I'm thankful for Roland and Linda. They are tough warrior saints that have been through the fire, but they are at ease and comfortable extending a helping hand (ride) to me. I'm grateful!
Pastor Jim spoke on the eternal character of God in Psalm 90. I think the title of his sermon was something like the storm inside your soul. Needless to say, the sermon spoke straight to my broken and weak heart, and I thanked the Lord for reminding me of the safe haven He has always been and always will be to me.
Life is brutal, it beats me up, and many days I realize I can be downright stupid. Psalm 90 sums up three wonderful prayers I love and need:
Life is short- teach me, Lord.
Life is hard- satisfy me, Lord.
Life is futile- establish me, Lord.
My heart is sad by the weight of disillusionment and disappointment, but I'm clinging to these prayers as I remember that time is within eternity and there is a bigger story at work in my life and in the world.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Weekend
Thank God for the weekend! I allowed myself some good old fashioned pampering today- My one guilty pleasure is getting my hair done, and I indulged today. I have a stylist I really like and she treated me today with a special treatment and a head massage. I love shiny, soft hair!
After that, I went to In N Out Burger and had a nice cheeseburger with fries and a lemonade. I lingered a little, read my book and stared up at the clouds. I rode my bicycle home- sweating and hot upon return. I decided to have a little ice cream with some frozen chocolate chips.
It's been a really great day. I'm going to take a nap now, talk to some friends, and get ready for Sunday. (S.S. and church service early) I'm so thankful for this day of rest and relaxation!
After that, I went to In N Out Burger and had a nice cheeseburger with fries and a lemonade. I lingered a little, read my book and stared up at the clouds. I rode my bicycle home- sweating and hot upon return. I decided to have a little ice cream with some frozen chocolate chips.
It's been a really great day. I'm going to take a nap now, talk to some friends, and get ready for Sunday. (S.S. and church service early) I'm so thankful for this day of rest and relaxation!
Friday, August 28, 2015
Comfort Food
It's been a real doozy of a week for me, and I am beyond thankful for this Friday night of rest. The weather was pretty blissful all week, but today was super hot again. I forgot my lunch and the combination of an empty stomach, pedaling in the heat, and being exhausted made me collapse as soon as I entered my door.
It's good to be home. After I stripped and threw cold water on my body, I started to cook. I decided I needed a home cooked meal of comfort so I put together a quick meatloaf made with onion, pepper, meat, egg, brown sugar, ketchup, mustard, spices, chile, salt and pepper, and I whipped up some mashed potatoes still with the skin with butter, milk, and salt and pepper in the process. I sprinkled on cheddar cheese. So it's nothing gourmet, but it's comfort food and it hit the spot.
I have been making sun tea lately, and it was a perfect meal to enjoy with my nice glass of cold sweet summer tea. Earlier this week I made a mango black bean salad, yesterday I made delicious spaghetti carbonara. Yum. Tonight I wanted something hearty and homey, meatloaf and mashed potatoes made with love to myself with love. Nothing makes me feel more grounded and restored than cooking and eating and being at home.
It's good to be home. After I stripped and threw cold water on my body, I started to cook. I decided I needed a home cooked meal of comfort so I put together a quick meatloaf made with onion, pepper, meat, egg, brown sugar, ketchup, mustard, spices, chile, salt and pepper, and I whipped up some mashed potatoes still with the skin with butter, milk, and salt and pepper in the process. I sprinkled on cheddar cheese. So it's nothing gourmet, but it's comfort food and it hit the spot.
I have been making sun tea lately, and it was a perfect meal to enjoy with my nice glass of cold sweet summer tea. Earlier this week I made a mango black bean salad, yesterday I made delicious spaghetti carbonara. Yum. Tonight I wanted something hearty and homey, meatloaf and mashed potatoes made with love to myself with love. Nothing makes me feel more grounded and restored than cooking and eating and being at home.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Psalm 46
"God will help her when morning dawns..."
I'm praying for a friend tonight, and I'm praying for myself. Out of love, I'm letting someone I care about go, so that he might have a chance for himself to get well.
I can't imagine what he's going through- this disease of addiction, of alcoholism so rampant in his family and culture, something he's always known.
But my eyes have been opened, oh so slightly, to its horrors.
It's the scary stuff you see in the movies but you can't understand as real. It's ugly and smelly, and the unpredictability is the worst.
I've been in circles where beer and wine were fun, even Christian buddies that enjoyed a glass in the name of grace and freedom and not being under legalism. And in all honesty, I've failed to understand the sadness and guttural reactions of other friends that couldn't withstand it. I am now in that second category. I don't even enjoy cooking with wine anymore. I hate alcohol with such a passion that I never want to see it in my dwelling. I never want to waste the money on it. But at the same time, I understand my other friends that can handle it in moderation. For me, the sight of it is painful and sad. Maybe that will change, but it may take a long while.
Hard lessons have been learned in my life lately- about helping, enabling, what love is. I had no understanding of the true grip of addiction, and I hesitate to believe I understand it now, but I see its power and destruction with clearer vision.
I can pray. I can get on my knees and pray for my friend. I can encourage with my words, but my biggest act of love right now is letting him go so that he can decide for himself if his life worth fighting for. Damn self hatred! Damn self destruction! It breaks my heart into a million pieces. Is self hatred at the core of addiction?
I pray for healing, for help, for open hearts.
People ask me if my friend might never change. People warn me that at mid- life, the chances of true change are dimmer and harder. I have to accept this reality, but I can't give up hope on him. I pray for a miracle. I pray that his second half of life will be better and brighter than his first, and he will believe that he is worth it. I believe God can make all things new, all things better, and all people healed and whole. None of us are any better than another, and my heart goes out to those in bondage, but I can't save them even though I suppose I've tried my whole life.
I can only love in a way that protects, trusts, hopes, and never gives up through God's grace.
I'm praying for a friend tonight, and I'm praying for myself. Out of love, I'm letting someone I care about go, so that he might have a chance for himself to get well.
I can't imagine what he's going through- this disease of addiction, of alcoholism so rampant in his family and culture, something he's always known.
But my eyes have been opened, oh so slightly, to its horrors.
It's the scary stuff you see in the movies but you can't understand as real. It's ugly and smelly, and the unpredictability is the worst.
I've been in circles where beer and wine were fun, even Christian buddies that enjoyed a glass in the name of grace and freedom and not being under legalism. And in all honesty, I've failed to understand the sadness and guttural reactions of other friends that couldn't withstand it. I am now in that second category. I don't even enjoy cooking with wine anymore. I hate alcohol with such a passion that I never want to see it in my dwelling. I never want to waste the money on it. But at the same time, I understand my other friends that can handle it in moderation. For me, the sight of it is painful and sad. Maybe that will change, but it may take a long while.
Hard lessons have been learned in my life lately- about helping, enabling, what love is. I had no understanding of the true grip of addiction, and I hesitate to believe I understand it now, but I see its power and destruction with clearer vision.
I can pray. I can get on my knees and pray for my friend. I can encourage with my words, but my biggest act of love right now is letting him go so that he can decide for himself if his life worth fighting for. Damn self hatred! Damn self destruction! It breaks my heart into a million pieces. Is self hatred at the core of addiction?
I pray for healing, for help, for open hearts.
People ask me if my friend might never change. People warn me that at mid- life, the chances of true change are dimmer and harder. I have to accept this reality, but I can't give up hope on him. I pray for a miracle. I pray that his second half of life will be better and brighter than his first, and he will believe that he is worth it. I believe God can make all things new, all things better, and all people healed and whole. None of us are any better than another, and my heart goes out to those in bondage, but I can't save them even though I suppose I've tried my whole life.
I can only love in a way that protects, trusts, hopes, and never gives up through God's grace.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Weekend
Happy Weekend!
Tucson bus strike continues- I've lost count of days, but it's close to three weeks. It's said to be the longest bus strike in recent history. I remain grateful for a three mile away job and a bicycle that works pretty darn well!
I am not following the news much, so I'm not sure why Donald Trump is running for President. I look at my Abraham Lincoln poster... and well, I can't imagine ever hanging up Donald Trump.
I spent much of today resting. I've been going through various things in my personal life, and it feels so good to rest, read, putter, and clean. I made a delicious sun tea today with sugar and honey, a refreshing mango salad with peppers, red onion, black beans and a mango dressing mixed with some Italian dressing. I also baked sea salt chocolate chip cookies and spent two hours doing laundry.
My day started by a walk across the way to Circle K. I was almost run over by a car, and instinctively I put my hand up to say slow down. I confess I wasn't in the passenger walk but close enough. I kept walking but the car slowed down and the couple started screaming at me, "Bitch, stay in the crosswalk. Bitch, what are you looking at? Bitch, stop looking at me." Just another day in a beautiful, friendly neighborhood. Oh, well. I don't take it personally. I suspect they have some anger issues of their own.
I was at peace today, curled up with my memoir by Beth Howard, my Bible and journal, and a little book called The Angels' Little Instruction Book. Life is short, so very short, and I'm grateful for what is right now.
Tucson bus strike continues- I've lost count of days, but it's close to three weeks. It's said to be the longest bus strike in recent history. I remain grateful for a three mile away job and a bicycle that works pretty darn well!
I am not following the news much, so I'm not sure why Donald Trump is running for President. I look at my Abraham Lincoln poster... and well, I can't imagine ever hanging up Donald Trump.
I spent much of today resting. I've been going through various things in my personal life, and it feels so good to rest, read, putter, and clean. I made a delicious sun tea today with sugar and honey, a refreshing mango salad with peppers, red onion, black beans and a mango dressing mixed with some Italian dressing. I also baked sea salt chocolate chip cookies and spent two hours doing laundry.
My day started by a walk across the way to Circle K. I was almost run over by a car, and instinctively I put my hand up to say slow down. I confess I wasn't in the passenger walk but close enough. I kept walking but the car slowed down and the couple started screaming at me, "Bitch, stay in the crosswalk. Bitch, what are you looking at? Bitch, stop looking at me." Just another day in a beautiful, friendly neighborhood. Oh, well. I don't take it personally. I suspect they have some anger issues of their own.
I was at peace today, curled up with my memoir by Beth Howard, my Bible and journal, and a little book called The Angels' Little Instruction Book. Life is short, so very short, and I'm grateful for what is right now.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Cowboy Strong
The weekend was tough. When you hear that it's better to come sooner than later, I know what it means, but I don't think I digest it very well. Death is not that rampant in my life, and yet it's the reality of life. I spent the weekend with Mr. Jones, my last time with him most likely. I'm expecting a call any moment now to tell me that he has gone Home.
He's not my father, hopefully my father-in-law one day, but I ache in a daughter way. I am sad I won't hear stories about his life, that I can't quiz him and sit out on the porch with iced tea and talk. I'm sad that he won't be a part of our lives. I feel the loss, and yet I'm profoundly grateful that I got to spend time with this dear and precious man with a wild and cool spirit. Hard working, tough as nails, tender and proud. Strong and fun. A survivor with so much practical sense and smarts. I wanted to gain some of that knowledge and spirit, soak in it and let it water me. I am thankful I got to hear a little bit about his sheep, the horses, and we got to sing and pray together.
Saturday I asked him if he'd like to sing Amazing Grace again with me. He said, "I can't remember it." I said, "that's okay, I bet it will come back to you." Sure enough, we began to sing and he sang right along. Sunday he was in great pain, but even through pain that I can't imagine, he tried to sing along with his son. To me, this is a lovely testimony of not giving up, of keeping faith, and living life to the end with a full heart of love.
One of the daughters told her dad, "I want you to have limbs again, Dad, I want you to be free to run and be with your horses. I want you to be with Mom. I love you, Dad, but I don't want you to hurt anymore." This touched my heart so much.
My heart is filled with gratitude for having met Mr. Jones. I respect and love him very much, and I pray that he has comfort and peace until Jesus calls him home. I pray that he will be soothed by the voices of his loved ones, knowing that he is loved and he can rest. Ayoo Aniinshni!
He's not my father, hopefully my father-in-law one day, but I ache in a daughter way. I am sad I won't hear stories about his life, that I can't quiz him and sit out on the porch with iced tea and talk. I'm sad that he won't be a part of our lives. I feel the loss, and yet I'm profoundly grateful that I got to spend time with this dear and precious man with a wild and cool spirit. Hard working, tough as nails, tender and proud. Strong and fun. A survivor with so much practical sense and smarts. I wanted to gain some of that knowledge and spirit, soak in it and let it water me. I am thankful I got to hear a little bit about his sheep, the horses, and we got to sing and pray together.
Saturday I asked him if he'd like to sing Amazing Grace again with me. He said, "I can't remember it." I said, "that's okay, I bet it will come back to you." Sure enough, we began to sing and he sang right along. Sunday he was in great pain, but even through pain that I can't imagine, he tried to sing along with his son. To me, this is a lovely testimony of not giving up, of keeping faith, and living life to the end with a full heart of love.
One of the daughters told her dad, "I want you to have limbs again, Dad, I want you to be free to run and be with your horses. I want you to be with Mom. I love you, Dad, but I don't want you to hurt anymore." This touched my heart so much.
My heart is filled with gratitude for having met Mr. Jones. I respect and love him very much, and I pray that he has comfort and peace until Jesus calls him home. I pray that he will be soothed by the voices of his loved ones, knowing that he is loved and he can rest. Ayoo Aniinshni!
Monday, August 10, 2015
Frank Gifford/ Strep Throat/ Toyota
Last night before I went to bed, I heard the news about Frank Gifford's death. I was so saddened by the news. Sad because I watch Kathie Lee and Hoda almost every day and feel a part of their lives. Kathie Lee is controversial, but I have always loved her. I feel she has a big heart with a strong faith. I prayed for her before I went to bed and I prayed for her throughout today. She may be rich and famous and beautiful, but she's still human. She's hurting and sad, and I pray that Jesus comforts her and all of the children. And Hoda, such a good friend, is hurting right along side of her, and it touches me deeply to see and feel.
Do I have strep throat? I think I do but I just started a new job last week working for Toyota Precision. I like it, and it's only 2.5 miles away. It's the first job I've ever had that is a sit on your ass all day kind of job, and I'm truly enjoying it. I sit with my Walkman, water, tea/coffee, and I enjoy peace and serenity. I am so thankful, but I also don't feel I can call in right now. So I'm drinking lots of fluids and hoping sleep and pain reliever take care of it.
So many blessings lately- good food, hosting a couple to dinner Wednesday night, supporting a friend's culinary dream, riding bicycle again, and reading good books. I'm grateful for a clean little apartment, baking an apple crisp and enjoying it with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce, grilled cheese made with freshly shaved hot pepper cheese, and warmth and peace. Thank You, God. You are good.
Do I have strep throat? I think I do but I just started a new job last week working for Toyota Precision. I like it, and it's only 2.5 miles away. It's the first job I've ever had that is a sit on your ass all day kind of job, and I'm truly enjoying it. I sit with my Walkman, water, tea/coffee, and I enjoy peace and serenity. I am so thankful, but I also don't feel I can call in right now. So I'm drinking lots of fluids and hoping sleep and pain reliever take care of it.
So many blessings lately- good food, hosting a couple to dinner Wednesday night, supporting a friend's culinary dream, riding bicycle again, and reading good books. I'm grateful for a clean little apartment, baking an apple crisp and enjoying it with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce, grilled cheese made with freshly shaved hot pepper cheese, and warmth and peace. Thank You, God. You are good.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Encouragement Today
- a lady at work nodded and pushed forth a piece of cold German chocolate cake as I walked passed. I took it into the shade and ate it with my fingers
- My temp agency called and one of the ladies is giving me her mountain bike (that she never uses) tomorrow evening. I'm crying as I write this!
- My boss gave me a gift of a purple pen with Jones on the title- not knowing anything personal about my life. Cute and purple is my favorite color.
I've been discouraged and disheartened, and I think God sent me some glimmers of hope to remind me that I'm not alone and it's going to be okay.
My fabulous temp agency is a group of women that are among the sweetest people on earth. They've helped keep me employed the last few months and are still helping me find full time work. In between, I'm hoping to get to Phoenix this weekend to be with Leonard. He's in hospice care now and one of the few things I feel certain in my life now is that I want to see him. Maybe it's that wonderful gift that in giving to someone else, you are given a greater gift.
- My temp agency called and one of the ladies is giving me her mountain bike (that she never uses) tomorrow evening. I'm crying as I write this!
- My boss gave me a gift of a purple pen with Jones on the title- not knowing anything personal about my life. Cute and purple is my favorite color.
I've been discouraged and disheartened, and I think God sent me some glimmers of hope to remind me that I'm not alone and it's going to be okay.
My fabulous temp agency is a group of women that are among the sweetest people on earth. They've helped keep me employed the last few months and are still helping me find full time work. In between, I'm hoping to get to Phoenix this weekend to be with Leonard. He's in hospice care now and one of the few things I feel certain in my life now is that I want to see him. Maybe it's that wonderful gift that in giving to someone else, you are given a greater gift.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Things on my mind!
First off, may I recommend a blog to you?
http://theworldneedsmorepie.com/
Check it out for yourself, but I think Kristen Howard is my new hero, and she's totally inspiring me to bake and share pies with the world. I love everything that she has to say. That being said, I've decided to put that on my to do list- bake more pies and give them away!
Church is refreshing and the simple reminder that God is in control is ultimate peace, but a piece of pie wouldn't hurt. :)
I contacted my old boss from Hickory Farms. They have gone CORPORATE. I don't have any feelings about this, but am excited to hear that the pay might be a little better. Last year I am sure I gained 10 pounds with all the extra cheese, sausage and melt away mints that I sampled in between passing out samples. I'm happy they are willing to take me back! I worked there last season and more than a decade ago when I was maybe 19 or 20. So I applied again and have a good recommendation. It's crazy to think about but October/November will be here before I know it, so I'm planning ahead. Praying I have continued work and can work there for extra cash flow.
I've decided that making my bed every day and taking the time to look a little nicer are well worth it. And for the first time in my life I have an array of wonderful perfumes to wear and lotions. The other day a young girl looked at me and complimented me- "You smell good." Here's the thing- perfume has always been a luxury, but someone very kind gave me about two years worth of fantastic perfumes. It felt like Christmas, and I am enjoying smelling good. It feels wonderfully feminine and sweet.
Lastly, the sun is making my hair grow! It's getting long and I don't have the money to cut or deal with it. But my messy French braid is the easiest style for staying cool!
Happy August folks! Some of my favorite people in the world were born this month! Roar, Lions, Roar!
http://theworldneedsmorepie.com/
Check it out for yourself, but I think Kristen Howard is my new hero, and she's totally inspiring me to bake and share pies with the world. I love everything that she has to say. That being said, I've decided to put that on my to do list- bake more pies and give them away!
Church is refreshing and the simple reminder that God is in control is ultimate peace, but a piece of pie wouldn't hurt. :)
I contacted my old boss from Hickory Farms. They have gone CORPORATE. I don't have any feelings about this, but am excited to hear that the pay might be a little better. Last year I am sure I gained 10 pounds with all the extra cheese, sausage and melt away mints that I sampled in between passing out samples. I'm happy they are willing to take me back! I worked there last season and more than a decade ago when I was maybe 19 or 20. So I applied again and have a good recommendation. It's crazy to think about but October/November will be here before I know it, so I'm planning ahead. Praying I have continued work and can work there for extra cash flow.
I've decided that making my bed every day and taking the time to look a little nicer are well worth it. And for the first time in my life I have an array of wonderful perfumes to wear and lotions. The other day a young girl looked at me and complimented me- "You smell good." Here's the thing- perfume has always been a luxury, but someone very kind gave me about two years worth of fantastic perfumes. It felt like Christmas, and I am enjoying smelling good. It feels wonderfully feminine and sweet.
Lastly, the sun is making my hair grow! It's getting long and I don't have the money to cut or deal with it. But my messy French braid is the easiest style for staying cool!
Happy August folks! Some of my favorite people in the world were born this month! Roar, Lions, Roar!
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Gratitude
I am thankful today for the following gifts:
- clean purple sheets to welcome me to dream land
- blue and green M and M's
- seeing a strong man (my love!) throw a football out in the sunshine
- meeting kind and gracious people at my first Al- Non meeting
- thinking of my dear friend, Toya, on her birthday. So thankful for her life! SO THANKFUL
- reading a good book on my porch while the monsoon mist sprayed me
- swimming with such strength
- food (gnocci and black beans with jalapenos...)
- continued work
- chilling out with a good movie! A good movie, not a crappy, normal movie!
- clean purple sheets to welcome me to dream land
- blue and green M and M's
- seeing a strong man (my love!) throw a football out in the sunshine
- meeting kind and gracious people at my first Al- Non meeting
- thinking of my dear friend, Toya, on her birthday. So thankful for her life! SO THANKFUL
- reading a good book on my porch while the monsoon mist sprayed me
- swimming with such strength
- food (gnocci and black beans with jalapenos...)
- continued work
- chilling out with a good movie! A good movie, not a crappy, normal movie!
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