Rest

Today was such a lovely day.  I love slowing down, and I needed a slow day and weekend desperately! God is so good to bring refreshment to our souls just when we need it, dry and weary, He gives us rest and hope. 
Most of my life I've felt a need to work almost all the time, and it can be absolutely consuming.  As I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate the gift of life more.  I've also gone to therapy and heard again and again about being kind to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Be gentle.  No more beating yourself up!
I've been training at a new job the last month, and it has had its stressful moments for sure.  Recently the stress fell off me as I was moved into a new, more comfortable position.  Still, I've been tired from trying to get everything right all the time, to fit into impossibly big shoes.
Today I had the first true day of rest that I can remember in a long time.  I lingered in bed and then enjoyed a pot of coffee.  Yes, a pot! I read a little, puttered around, looked at the news, etc., I made myself a big breakfast with eggs and peppers and a little before noon I went to the pool with Bible and journal.  I laid in the sun and read the Word, then I dipped in the pool and swam a few laps.  No one was there, and it was so relaxing to listen to the birds, stare up at the palm trees, and feel the sunshine on a beautiful May day.  I also sat in the Jacuzzi for a few minutes and a little before one,  I went back home... just as the people started coming.  Perfect timing!
I ate a salad and  napped, and then I cleaned my apartment.  It felt good to clean the sink, to scrub the tub, to give attention to the things I normally don't. 
This evening I hiked up Tumamoc Hill with a friend from Kentucky college days.  Lots of people were out enjoying the night and we made it down just as the sun was beginning to set.
I came home and made myself a big bowl of popcorn with lots of salt and now I'm getting ready to watch a movie.
Thank You, Sweet Jesus, for days of rest and refreshment.  You are a giver of life, and I am thankful for the life You've given me today!

Addictions

This has been an eye opening year of meeting and being close to people with real, achingly hard addictions that they are facing, overcoming, battling.  People that I work with, love, study the Bible with and enjoy. 
A lady at work told me she has an eating disorder.
A man I love is in a program to overcome drugs and alcohol.
A woman I am getting to know confessed sex addiction to me.
And then there are other friends who more privately or jokingly whisper their less shocking but equally addictive behaviors with food, with shopping, with hoarding, with facebook, with work...
I've been thinking about all of this recently and here are some thoughts I have on the matter.
I think that even though we all struggle with something, alcohol and drugs seem to be the most shaming.  This makes me sad. 
All of us have sinned, the Bible says, and we all fall short of His glory.  It's an even playing ground, my friends.  I've got nothing.  You've got nothing.  He's got it all, and that all is His forgiveness and hope. 
Because I know we all struggle with something, I've had to come face to face with my own addiction, and my most private battle is comparison.  I struggle to accept myself for who I am and not to think higher or less of myself compared to others.  Like any addiction, I can feel those intense triggers and familiar way of thinking, but with God's help and grace, I'm healing and being set free.
If you're reading this and you're honest with yourself, I'm sure you've battled something yourself.  We are all more alike than we think, and know that you are not alone.  Most of all, know that God is there for you. 

First Grade

I don't have a lot of very clear memories of my childhood, but I do remember being in first grade and sitting around a reading table.  I can still remember how I felt, like I was trapped in some place I didn't belong.  I was sitting with four or five other kids, my teacher, and a teacher's aide.  Kids around me were trying to sound out words and read.  I was bored and thinking about other things.  I started scrolling to the back of the book and started reading it.  The teacher's aide caught me and then I started meeting with someone one on one to see what my reading capacity might be.  My parents, not the greatest parents in the world (an understatement), thought I was "stupid" as my father told me.  Rapidly I moved to the higher reading groups where I was placed in the next to best reading group in the class.  Isn't it funny how I knew these class divisions at that age? Actually, it's not surprising! I wanted to be the best, and recently I have identified something in my thinking that I'm working on.  I have felt and feel that if I am not the best at something, I'm not enough.  The truth is I am enough as I am.  Maybe having parents that considered me stupid when I was in a lower reading group made me feel like I had to be smarter and brighter to be accepted and esteemed.  The truth is I am lacking in a lot of ways, and I am overflowing in a lot of ways, but no matter, I am enough.  God accepts me as I am, He loves me and cares for me.  I'm so thankful for how my Father sees and loves me! Amen!

Tired

Tired... from real work, catching buses, carrying boxes, folding clothes, climbing ladders, taking boxes out to the trash, learning...
No longer tired from the exhaustion of looking for work, the strain of rejection and defeat, the agony of worry and struggle. 
And for this, I want to tell the world how grateful I am and how good God is all the time.
When you feel like you might be at your wit's end, the sun streams light down that changes how you feel and see everything. 
PRAISE GOD.
And to my friends or those I don't know struggling to find work, I understand the tiredness you feel in your soul.  We grow weary- weary from rejection, striving, planning, worrying, fighting, but His strength is consistent.  He does not grow weary, and even better than this, He never grows weary of us.  You may feel alone, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Let Him carry your burdens as much as you can.  He will see you through.  You will make it!

Weekend Bliss

It was a good weekend here in Arizona.  I hate to focus my writing around food, but let's be honest, I don't hate it at all! While I enjoyed zumba, swimming, church, friends, I also reveled in some time in the kitchen and listening to some wonderful music while I cooked. 
Here are some of the delicious things I tasted this weekend:
1.  Homemade popcorn with melted butter and salt.  DIVINE.  (so easy... so good!) I had it for dinner one evening.  Livin' life!
2.  Good old fashioned strawberry jello blended in with whipped cream.  I couldn't get over how delicious it tasted.  Very good!
3.  Mashed potatoes- used up some Idaho potatoes and mashed them up with milk and butter.   Delicious.  What's better? I confess to feeling extremely heavy afterwards, though, and vowing to eat more fruit.  Still, one has to enjoy mashed potatoes every once in awhile.  It warms the soul.  It makes you feel GOOD!
4.  I made my chicken artichoke pasta dish with wine sauce.  It is heavenly tasting, and I put three containers away for lunches this week.  It will be nice to take something delicious to work!
5.  I've been eating up the rest of my homemade granola (love the coconut especially).  It's almost gone, but it proved to be the perfect after zumba snack. 
So I'm food obsessed.  What can I say? I looked through a cookbook this afternoon and see that there are so many things I don't know how to cook, so many recipes I want to try, and I suppose little by little I'll keep trying new recipes and remembering the ones I love.